first day

On Monday, I felt like a new kid in school while my son’s the parent waiting home for news on how the day went.

I leave early, wanting to leave a good impression on everyone that I come in before I’m “due” and try and mingle.

I got home late becuase training extended an hour. It was a little boring but I still was exhausted when I got home…

At the same time I felt wonderful that I’m doing something again!

When I got to my parents/sisters’ house to pick up my son, he was smiling from ear to ear as he approached our red pick-up truck. When the door was opened I couldn’t help myself and exclaimed an excited “Hi!! I missed you today!!”

If his smile could go further from ear-to-ear (although that would be freaky :p), he would’ve. He was blushing and just glad I missed him as he proclaimed “me too!”

Then he said “did you found a job mommY?” and mommy proudly said “Yes!”

On a high

a whiff of the smell of untouched pages..

the sight of uncreased spines..

the feel of hundreds of crisp pages fluttering and rolling through my fingertips.

i have painfully missed the bookstore.

for months I have kept to myself, wallowed a few months, hibernated a few, then the last few months I worked hard to get myself back on my feet again.

Now I’m about to embark on some new challenges in my life. A completely new page in my novel… maybe even a whole new novel in itself.

I indulged my yearning to read a new book three days ago, and I surprised myself at how I was able to finish it too quickly!

Today, I purposefully went to my favorite bookstore and browsed and browsed until I had five books tugged around one arm and the other still browsing at more books!

Finally I had to put down one book and just bought the four but vowed to get more when I get my first paycheck (after six-months of unemployment!).

I’m excited to read. I didn’t even bother looking at reviews and recommendations for good books. I browsed and browsed titles and took whatever catched my fancy.

Now, any recommendations from you?

Saving it for Special Ocassions

My mother and grandmother were the number one advocates of “save it for special ocassions”… We have a huge china cabinet (why do they call it china cabinet by the way?) of unused Noritake dinnerwares, serving bowls, complete set wonderfully arranged for display. Never have I seen them used when my grandmother was still alive. Most of them were shattered to pieces during earthquakes. Especially the strong one way back in ’91, was it?

My mom followed suit. I was mostly baffled at why they would buy those fine china but never use them… when will they ever use it? when royalty comes to the house? 

Unfortunately, a part of it translated to me. I was always cautious about “saving for later” or “saving for special ocassions.”

In something as enjoyable as eating, I used to save the best part for last. When given a choice of books to read or movies to watch — I’d save the best for last. 

Lately, with how my life’s transpired, I realized how saving it for later or saving for special ocassions just wastes a lot of you energy and whatever it is you’ve been saving.

I remember having a nice blue cocktail dress that I bought because I loooved how it looked on me and how it made me look like a blue tinkerbell. I bought it and haven’t worn it. I was saving it for when my husband would take me out on a nice dinner or date after years of not going anywhere on a date…

It didn’t happen, and guess what? It’s not going to happen anymore. At least not with the husband I pictured that dress was going to be for.

My son had tons of crayons and art materials given to him over the years for birthdays and christmases and I’ve kept some of them – saving them for later. 

They’ve all been stacked and forgotten until I had to pack and move a few months ago. Now he’s using all of them and he’s enjoying it.

I was a sucker for “perfect timing”. I’d go out with my sisters or whoever and find myself craving for something, like ice cream and I’d tell myself, I’d wait for when everybody wants the same thing so then maybe we can all enjoy it.

Until of course, the moment has passed that when they want it all, I don’t want it anymore. Or the day will end and nobody actually wanted any ice cream so my craving won’t be satisfied after all.

I always postponed trip to fun places with Ziggy (and then husband) for special ocassions. birthdays, graduations, anniversaries. 

What’s the use now? we’re not the same “family” anymore. It’s me and my kid. Why wait for special ocassions? everyday is special for the two of us now. 

I find us going to different places and trying different things at a whim now (of course, considering finances too :p). I found out MV Doulos was docked at Manila until the next weekend so I already talked my sisters into coming with me next sunday. Ziggy will surely love being on an actual ship PLUS seeing those books too!

We also talked about going to the Science Discovery Center at MOA soon, all my sisters (plus one boyfriend) and my son. 🙂 — our usual ensemble, entourage the past few months now.

I’ve been enjoying so much time with my sisters that when I do get some extra money to treat them somewhere, I grab the chance. Why save it for later when everything’s right here, right now. 🙂

Bedtime Stories…

I’ve always read books for and with Ziggy. We used to read him the Mr. Men series (yes those quirky little miss and mr. shirts that have become so famous..they originated from a book and a british TV series.. tsk tsk)… 

sorry, back to topic.. we used to read him the Mr. Men series.. then Dr. Seuss’ beginner’s books (i.e. Green Eggs and Ham)…I wanted to create a routine for him. A bonding time for him and us then.. Then yes, the marital problem came that I forgot about me and him and our bonding moments I swore I would stick to…

Tonight, I was able to experience something I used to only see in the movies… reading a bedtime story/book to him as he slowly dozed to sleep… Me having to stop in the middle of the book the moment I noticed he’s asleep.

Classic moments you just cannot miss…

Zinging zingers

Joe writes on his computer.  Brinkley on the floor next to him.

And cut between Joe and his computer screen.

     JOE (V.O.)
Do you ever feel you become the worst
version of yourself?  That a Pandora’s
Box of all the secret hateful parts —
your arrogance, your spite, your
condescension — has sprung open.
Someone provokes you, and instead of
just smiling and moving on, you zing
them.  Hello, it’s Mr. Nasty.  I’m sure
you have no idea what I’m talking about.
  

For the past week or two, this is how I’ve been feeling. I’m not sure why.

Maybe I’ve become so frustrated with my current situation — husband-less, jobless, loveless, bored and desperate withy life and its broken dreams and my husband’s broken promises…

Maybe I’m getting frustrated with my husband who’s gone off to hide under his mother’s (and sister’s) skirt and avoiding any and every chance for us to talk and finally get things to order while he still goes around with his mistress…

Maybe I’m just having PMS.

Or.. maybe it’s a combination of ALL.

I’d go with the last.

I’ve said hurtful words to my mother in law and argued with my sister in law out of spite. Out of frustration with my life.

I cannot, for the life of me, understand WHY I can’t get  a job for the past 6 months while my husband, who doesn’t have a degree and wouldn’t have gotten where he is now without my help got a job 2 weeks after he was fired!

I have a degree, a very commendable record at work, I resigned for personal reasons and wasn’t fired… yet for the past six months, I’ve applied and applied and sent dozens of resumes out, yet no one seems to have a need for me.  😦

but I know I allowed those zingers mainly because they’re speaking for their son/brother — yet again. Protecting their son/brother from his own wife who deserves to know what’s going on with his life and what he plans to do.

I am still his legal wife despite his cheating and womanizing yet his family doesn’t seem to recognize it. They even said that I have no more rights and he doesn’t have responsibilities to me anymore. He only has responsibilities to his son. that effin hurts.

I AM STILL MARRIED TO HIM. Nothing has changed legally and even in the church. We’re still married. he’s cheated on me (and still is on it) and he’s living with his mom now instead of with his wife and son. All the more does he have responsibilities to me and his son.

I hate when other people meddle. I hate when other people tell me or him what should be done when it should be me and him talking about this from the very start. that was the start of our problem, that was the reason we started drifting apart. Because he wouldn’t speak to me. Because he wouldn’t tell me what’s on his mind.

I know I was wrong in saying those words, but I also know I wasn’t wrong in demanding that I speak to my husband and not them. Yet no one respects that.

I’m yet again left in the dumps as if I was just a past time. That I was a mistake, now let’s move on with our lives.

I don’t want to be back with him. but something in me is still wanting to talk to him — I still haven’t heard any apologies. any explanation. anything that explain why the man I loved so dearly suddenly turned into a monster and treated me like a piece of shit. quite literally.

and damn it, i can’t move on while still being financially dependent on him.

Have faith, that’s what my friend still tells me. I’m trying to hold on to that faith. I’m afraid I’m slipping… i need a firmer grip.

baby, you’ve hurt me…

When I get to Warwick Avenue
Meet me by the entrance of the tube
We can talk things over little time
But promise me you wont stand by the light

When I get to Warwick Avenue
Please draw the past and be true
Don’t say we’re okay
Just because I’m here
You hurt me bad but I wont shed a tear

I’m leaving you for the last time baby
You think you’re loving,
But you don’t love me
And I’ve been confused
Outta my mind lately
You think you’re loving,
But I want to be free, baby
You’ve hurt me.

When I get to Warwick Avenue
We’ll spend an hour but no more than two
Our only chance to speak once more
I showed you answers, now here’s the door

When I get to Warwick Avenue
I’ll tell baby there we’re through

Cause I’m leaving you for the last time baby
You think you’re loving,
But you don’t love me
And I’ve been confused
An outta my mind lately
You think you’re loving,
But you don’t love me
I want to be free, baby
You’ve hurt me.

All the days spent together
I wish for better,
And I didn’t want the train to come
Now it’s departed, I’m broken hearted
Seems like we never started
All those days spent together
When I wished for better
And I didn’t want the train to come.
No, no.

You think you’re loving
But you don’t love me
I want to be free, baby
You’ve hurt me
You don’t love me
I want to be free
Baby you’ve hurt me

-Warwick Avenue, Duffy-

Sorry

“I am sorry..

I have been so selfish.

For the past 7 years, I have trampled on you – with my words and with my actions.

I have loved other things when I should have loved you…

In the last few weeks, God has given me a love for you, that I have never had before.

And I have asked him to forgive me. And I am hoping, I am praying, that somehow you would be able to forgive me too…”

-fireproof-

A very simple but powerful word.

For the past week I’ve been watching movies, seeing scenes where the guys apologize to their wife or girlfriend for whatever reason… and I don’t know if it’s just me or if they were simply good actors and great lines… but I cry. everytime.

Then I realized… I’ve been yearning for a TRUE and HEARTFELT apology from my husband for the longest time…

I have been hurt — sooo bad. I have been betrayed — in my face kind of betrayal. I was suspicious but I believed and trusted him… and all that time he was with someone else.

He’s apologized a few times already — but all the time he did… he still was with his mistress… so how do I accept his apology? what is that apology for? For marrying me? Sorry that I had to be the wife suffering while he goes on with his affair?

I have a very very difficult time processing his apologies. I have a difficult time believing his apologies… I guess it’s because of the lies I realized he’s told me for months.. the lies he lived through and with me… I guess it’s also because, he’s apologizing for something that he’s still doing..

It’s like telling someone I’m sorry I hit you while you’re still hitting them… Apologizing for stealing from them while you’re still continuously stealing from them…

I feel that his apoligies are empty. I feel that even though he even cries at times.. his apologies are meaningless…

How would I feel when I finally hear true, heartfelt and honest apologies from him? I don’t know… I’d probably cry… but then again if it comes when I’ve already moved on and forgiven and forgotten him… it might not mean anything at all to me anymore..

But I know an apology is still in order. I still bleed inside even though I seem to be happier and better now…

I still cry at night before I go to sleep… remembering all the lies and betrayal and broken promises and dreams.

I just finished another movie, and this guy said one word — SORRY — and I cried, yet again. Maybe because throughout the movie I know his character’s really sorry…

sorry is such a simple word… yet it’s probably the most difficult thing to say for anyone, but more so for guys… Their ego and pride are on the line… that’s why hearing this simple one word from them means so much…

After all of what’s happened, I can’t seem to get one from my husband. Then again, maybe it’s just me. Maybe I’m just not ready for his apology. Maybe I just can’t forgive him yet.

It’s almost the lenten season and I pray to God that he gives me the courage and strength to forgive — my husband and even his mistress…

still hurts but I know it’s not right to be bitter. It’s not right to hold grudges and stay mad at someone – anyone forever. No matter how grave their wrongdoings were, they should be forgiven… If God can forgive, why shouldn’t we?

Wear Sunscreen

I heard this on the radio just this evening.. I’m sure some of you are familiar with it.. from Baz Luhrman, a sort of poem/song that became famous in the 90’s.

I listened to the words again, 10 years later, and they have more meaning to me now.. Sharing it with you because I’m sure, those  of you who’ve heard this before when you were still young (just as he was expecting), didn’t fully understand this.

It encompasses everything I’d want to share to younger generations. To those in high school or college right now. They still are true and will always hold true even when my son’s children read it…

To those of you not familiar with this, just read on. I’m sure you’ll learn a thing or two or appreciate at least the words of advice from Australia Director Baz Luhrman

🙂

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of 99…

Wear Sunscreen

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experienceI will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years youll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you cant grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked.Youre not as fat as you imagine.

Dont worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing everyday that scares you

Sing

Dont be reckless with other peoples hearts, dont put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss

Dont waste your time on jealousy; sometimes youre ahead, sometimes youre behindthe race is long, and in the end, its only with yourself.

Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch

Dont feel guilty if you dont know what you want to do with your lifethe most interesting people I know didnt know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds know still dont.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, youll miss them when theyre gone.

Maybe youll marry, maybe you wont, maybe youll have children, maybe you wont, maybe youll divorce at 40, maybe youll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversarywhat ever you do, dont congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either your choices are half chance, so are everybody elses. Enjoy your body, use it every way you candont be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, its the greatest instrument youll ever own..

Danceeven if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you dont follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents, you never know when theyll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography in lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do youll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Dont expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.

Dont mess too much with your hair, or by the time its 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than its worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen…

Letting Go

 

I’ve been drowning myself in Prayers and well… movies for the past week. Yes, it’s not good to sulk. I’m not. Just that I can’t find anything else to occupy myself with. 

I’ve been struggling to find a good job. I quit the job I loved for this marriage… I regret it a bit, but I guess at least God gave me rest and time for myself. I can’t go back to that job anymore because I’m now a single mother so I cannot work graveyard shift anymore. My parents are already in australia too so I have no one to leave my kid to at night like before.

I watched The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button the other day and I enjoyed it a lot. Even if they say it was a long movie, I didn’t even notice. Interesting to find out how it must feel growing younger… 

I love the conversations. The words of Benjamin Button. His Grace and compassion. His innocence and wisdom at the same time. He was born under the most unusual circumstances and he’ll see people grow older and die before him while he gets younger and more agile.  Yet… he didn’t hold a grudge to the world… not even to his father who gave him away at birth. 

I can only wish and pray that God gives me the same Grace. To accept things given to me and … let go. Accept that everything God gives us has a reason. If things don’t go the way we wished or hoped it would — then the best is just yet to come.

So goddamn easy to say but so difficult to do. Be patient, they say, suffer patiently. It’s hard to just be patient and silent and not lash out at the people who hurt you and offended you.. betrayed you and lied to you. It takes just so much Grace. So much. 

It kills me too to just be quiet. To not go to my husband and his woman and just shout my heart out… to not pursue a lawsuit against them for adultery… to not hate them. it kills me inside..

I do know too… that if I do one of those things.. it’ll kill me too. Sooner or later it’ll kill me too. My spirits. My grace. My sanity. 

Benjamin Button said it straight and right. . . 

You can be mad as a mad dog at the way things went. You can swear, curse at the fates, but in the end you have to let go — Bejamin Button

I pray everyday that God gives me courage and strength to completely let go. To stand up again and start living again with my son. for my son and for me.

Forgiveness and Grace

I sent this to my husband last night after praying.  The first 3 paragraphs, I read on a Bible Diary. The reflections for yesterday’s readings and Gospel. The latter parts are all what I truly feel about this. These are the exact words, I sent it through my phone hence the abbreviations and text lingo on some parts.

When sin is long persisted in, it destroys the person, for whom there is no resting in the sight of God. If we allow ourselves to dìstrust God’s power to forgive our sins, we may s0on desert him.

Sin appears fair, but vile; it appears pleasant, but is destructive; it pr0mises much, but performs n0thing.

The deceitfulness of sin hardens the soul; one sin makes way for an0ther; and every deliberate act of sin confirms the sinful habit.

— i always still pray for y0u and Ira. What u did and r stil d0ing hurt me t0o much to all0w myself to get bitter. I pray y0u see the sins y0u b0th c0mitd, n0t to me but to God. For in the end, neither of y0u will have t0 answer to me or apologize to me. But to God who has given y0u s0 much grace and c0mpassi0n. I pray he gives me the same grace n c0mpassi0n Someday that i may learn to fully forgive and forget so that i may c0ntinue the plans we made when we g0t married. Be happy and c0ntent with what i have and where i am… And serve God by doing his will. 

My s0n shall also learn to f0rgive and f0rget. I pray that God gives hm strength to stand up and b a better man than hs father was, for i cann0t bear my s0n doing the same to an0ther pers0n in the future.

Yes, I deliberately did  not bother to remove HER name. I’m still in spite of her… of course. I am constantly praying to God to give me Grace and allow me to truly forgive both of them.

I have never prayed this much my whole life. I have never prayed as if I really am talking to GOd who’s just in front of me listening intently.

Help me and my family. Include is in your prayers so this will soon be over and we can stand up again — together or apart.