Betrayed… twice.

I have posted few entries back about my marital situation. For the past six months, I’ve been trying to help my husband get rid of some anger and rage he has inside of him. He’s been going to a psychiatrist. I’ve been supporting him and trying to be more understanding.

All this time I was doing all that because I thought that was the only thing keeping him from starting all over again and make this family work again.

WRONG! about 5 nights ago, I found out his affair never stopped. I found out I was betrayed a second time. This time, I found out worst things. how deeper their relationship has gotten and how many people they have betrayed too.

– his wife and son

– his mother and sister

– his bestfriends

– his bosses and colleagues

in short, people who have been trying to help him and support him all those months. People who believed he really wanted to get better. People who truly love him.

How do you get over the pain?

The pain of being betrayed by a friend — she was a college mate. She started with me on that same company 5 years ago and we’ve grown to be friends when  I was PREGNANT WITH MY SON whose father she (sorry for the word) f*cked. 

The pain of being lied to by your own husband — one too many times.

The pain of knowing your child’s father chose to stay with the woman and leave his family?

The pain. Oh, the pain.

 

How do you pick yourself up, stand up and move on?

how can you even stand up if you’ve been stomped on flat on the ground?

How do you move on knowing your son still has the need and right to see his father?

How? Lord, tell me how.

I know this woman has always had overlapping boyfriends, cheating on the current one with the next. I also know she was engaged when she started having an affair with my husband. I warned my husband about her. because i knew her that way. because her mother was also a mistress.

I can’t even come to understand how she could have done this to me. knowing we have so many close friends in the same company we’ve been working for, for the past five years. she had no conscience. she had no feelings. she had no care for this world but herself and her own desires.

I know she won’t stay long with my husband especially because he doesn’t have any money to even give her anything. all his money’s with us, he gave me his atms so everything goes straight to me. I know she’s not serious about this relationship and she’s just in it for the thrill. I know when the thrill is gone, she’ll be gone too. 

Now that it’s all blown up in the office and everywhere else. The thrill is gone. Now that I told her she can have him, but never my husband, the exciting feeling of taking something forbidden is gone.

My husband, we all believe now is going through soomething psychological. I can’t explain it and I won’t because it’s been tough. Make things short — Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

Friends and family and me especially have seen it, read it even in emails he sent to himself… getting mad at the person he is now, coming from the person he was before. It’s scary when you read it but it’s something that tells us, he needs professional psychological help.

We all hate the woman because she took advantage of him and now, he’s gotten worse .. she could care less still.

I’ve been betrayed. twice. I’ve been in pain for nearly a year… and it’s not yet over. 

His family, our friends and I all agreed we’ll have to take him to a professional, willingly or not he will have to go. When he’s more sorted out, I know this whole drama will start again.

Will I still want him back? ask me now, and no. 

In months or even years’ time. I don’t know. 

I don’t know him anymore today. I don’t know if I will know him again in the future.

again… only God knows. His will be done. I know he will tell me the right answer when the time has come.

For now, we need prayers from everyone. I also would appreciate if anyone here knows of an experienced psychiatrist. we need one fast.

There’s always a Choice

God chooses what we go through;

We choose how we go through it. 

– John C. Maxwell

 

For the past six months, I’ve been on a roller coaster ride. From finding out my husband’s drifting away, to learning about an affair he was starting to have; 

I had to quit the job I love in the company I was in since I graduated college. Then my husband left. My 4 year old son and I had to move to a tiny apartment and settle there for the next year. I was lucky to have another job, but it was one that I enjoyed and despised at the same time.

Then I had to quit again. The emotional roller coaster and unstable moods I’ve been going through because of my conversations with my estranged husband was too much to bear and was affecting my work.

I went from hating my husband, hating myself and hating my life, to finding God.

Then I went from having so much faith to hating God. 

I also went from blaming myself to blaming everybody else — my parents, my relatives, my husband and his family and their history of broken marriages.

I’ve talked to a few close friends, and then none. I went from talking to them about my situation almost on a daily basis, getting their insights, encouragement and support to shutting them all down at the same time.

Now I’m back to my faith. Believing in a God Almighty that has put me through all of this and still is putting me through this.

I stopped blaming but started accepting. Accepting the fact that yes, my husband has fallen astray, and may not come back anymore. Accepting the fact that maybe this Christmas is the first of the many Christmases my son and I will be spending alone — just the two of us. 

I am trying to reconnect with friends but am avoiding talking about my situation and start focusing on my life and the future my son and I should have.

One of my best friends told me last week — “Have faith. Keep praying. Be Patient. ”

Then I responded with sarcasm — “yeah, everybody’s been telling me about “God’s Time” when IS God’s Time??”

Candid and frank as she is, she responded — “Keep complaining, he’ll give you more challenges. Stop that and start trusting and believing — patience.”

And so it is. I was a bit taken aback when she said that because she usually has nothing much to say, but with the few words she says, they hit me right where it mattered.

So two days ago, I started believing. Stopped complaining. Stopped looking for my husband, stopped begging him to come back. Then I started accepting.

God chose for me to go through this… I chose how I will go through it… for the past six months, I didn’t make such a wise choice. Today, I’m hoping I’m making, at least, a better choice.

For the past six months, I’ve been on a roller coaster ride. I’m still on it… but I believe it’s about to stop.