Sorry

“I am sorry..

I have been so selfish.

For the past 7 years, I have trampled on you – with my words and with my actions.

I have loved other things when I should have loved you…

In the last few weeks, God has given me a love for you, that I have never had before.

And I have asked him to forgive me. And I am hoping, I am praying, that somehow you would be able to forgive me too…”

-fireproof-

A very simple but powerful word.

For the past week I’ve been watching movies, seeing scenes where the guys apologize to their wife or girlfriend for whatever reason… and I don’t know if it’s just me or if they were simply good actors and great lines… but I cry. everytime.

Then I realized… I’ve been yearning for a TRUE and HEARTFELT apology from my husband for the longest time…

I have been hurt — sooo bad. I have been betrayed — in my face kind of betrayal. I was suspicious but I believed and trusted him… and all that time he was with someone else.

He’s apologized a few times already — but all the time he did… he still was with his mistress… so how do I accept his apology? what is that apology for? For marrying me? Sorry that I had to be the wife suffering while he goes on with his affair?

I have a very very difficult time processing his apologies. I have a difficult time believing his apologies… I guess it’s because of the lies I realized he’s told me for months.. the lies he lived through and with me… I guess it’s also because, he’s apologizing for something that he’s still doing..

It’s like telling someone I’m sorry I hit you while you’re still hitting them… Apologizing for stealing from them while you’re still continuously stealing from them…

I feel that his apoligies are empty. I feel that even though he even cries at times.. his apologies are meaningless…

How would I feel when I finally hear true, heartfelt and honest apologies from him? I don’t know… I’d probably cry… but then again if it comes when I’ve already moved on and forgiven and forgotten him… it might not mean anything at all to me anymore..

But I know an apology is still in order. I still bleed inside even though I seem to be happier and better now…

I still cry at night before I go to sleep… remembering all the lies and betrayal and broken promises and dreams.

I just finished another movie, and this guy said one word — SORRY — and I cried, yet again. Maybe because throughout the movie I know his character’s really sorry…

sorry is such a simple word… yet it’s probably the most difficult thing to say for anyone, but more so for guys… Their ego and pride are on the line… that’s why hearing this simple one word from them means so much…

After all of what’s happened, I can’t seem to get one from my husband. Then again, maybe it’s just me. Maybe I’m just not ready for his apology. Maybe I just can’t forgive him yet.

It’s almost the lenten season and I pray to God that he gives me the courage and strength to forgive — my husband and even his mistress…

still hurts but I know it’s not right to be bitter. It’s not right to hold grudges and stay mad at someone – anyone forever. No matter how grave their wrongdoings were, they should be forgiven… If God can forgive, why shouldn’t we?