Words, you have a way with me

Currently reading: The Elegance of the Hedgehog

I had no idea what this novel will be like nor what it’s about. I kept seeing it on goodreads and the title was so interesting that when I saw it on bookdepository.com, I had to buy it.

I got it on the mail about half a year ago and only got to reading it yesterday.

Words – it uses so many words. It is so wordy that I am enjoying reading it out loud. I enjoy reading and saying words out loud so much that I sometimes read an entire page without understanding anything. This book was originally written in french and I’m very curious to know if it sounds just as beautiful to read these chapters in French.

I don’t know what it is with words that just make me want to keep reading them, and reading them out loud. I love reading new words, complicated and with so many syllables that they sound so sexy. I love reading sentences that sound so profound or meaningful even though I end up not understanding any of it. I enjoy the feel of my tongue as they roll and click and meet with my teeth as I try to pronounce the words on these pages. I love the sound words make and I love it even more when they were written with that exact intention – to make you fall in love with them.

If I can marry words, I would.

Yes, call me a dork, a geek, whatever you want to call me. The reason I enjoy getting lost in books, is not just because they take me to another world that the author has created, but it takes me to another world – one I’ve created. Where I read these words so perfectly as if I was reading to someone who enjoys hearing the music words make just as much as I do.

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Now back to my random musings

Ah, almost a year since my last post.

I know nobody probably knows about this blog, and I intended it to be that way. Yet I write as if I had a steady stream of readers and followers. I started blogging as a way of putting my thoughts out there somewhere.

I write, a lot. Although most of my writings have been on journals again lately, I realised I needed to feel as if someone else out there can read this and someone out there in the void might understand any of the shit I’ve been writing about.

I love the movie You’ve Got Mail. I love the idea that you can write to a total stranger and absolutely connect with them. I love strangers. If this world hadn’t become what it is now, I would probably go out to a “park” every afternoon for my runs, or to read a book like I did before, and occasionally talk to strangers. I admit I have met a lot of “strangers” online before and I have really enjoyed it. I have remained friends with a dozen or so of them and have learned so much from them. Some are bloggers, some I met in a chatroom and others I met through other sites who had so much in common with me. Meeting them has always been a wonderful feeling. I felt that I was connected to another part of the world, for most of them are in fact, in another part of the world. I enjoy seeing pictures from Brazil, Sweden, US, Singapore and Japan from their perspectives. I enjoy learning about their cultures, their night life, their celebrations and it has opened my eyes to so many more things. It has helped me become this very open and accepting person that I am today. None of these “strangers” that have become my friends have discriminated against race, religion, or sexual preference. It’s such a wonderful feeling knowing I have so much alike with someone I have only met a few months or years ago and lives thousands of miles away.

Thankfully, none of these “strangers” have ended up being stalkers or mass murderers or sexual offenders (I hope not!).

I have been very idle lately, not having a job the past 3 months and going crazy not know what to do if I still don’t have a job in a month’s time. Writing again should help me fend off any crazy inclinations that are lurking around.

So here I am back to my random musings. The more random, the better.

More more love!!!‚̧ #farewell #valentines #notes #goodbye #lastday

A photo posted by Hazel Castillo (@hazel_zee) on

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in the market for the geek squad

in the market for the geek squad.

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kids these days

At a show of 3 asian-american guys who make short films and youtube videos and got extremely famous on Youtube.

Of course they’re mostly famous to the younger crowds.. Say 16 to early 20’s. More noticeably, they’re flanked by girls. Girls who dressed to impress these guys, girls who spent some for the tickets… And then more for the merchandise. Of course, I have nothing against it.. I would’ve done the same if I was at that age and had the money to spend.

But that’s just it, I guess. When I was in college studying marketing and advertising, the target market – the spending age-group were the retired group (aka 65 years old and older). Nowadays, it’s the NON-Working age group. Aka high-school to college kids.

Has parenting changed so dramatically or have they really saved so much that they can give whatever their kids want? I doubt these kids had that much saved up from allowances what with all the concerts and events that have been coming to the Philippines.

I struggled getting tickets to Alanis Morissette, The Corrs and (yes) Backstreet Boys when I was their age! Even when I was already working, concerts and shows weren’t on my expenses. They were only a special treat and I’d still die not being able to go to shows I wish I could.

It just amazes me how they seem to be able to go to these things and get the most expensive tickets.. How can their parents think they’d survive when they don’t have a mom or dad to pay for their tickets, food, gas and shopping?

Oh, Philippines. We keep saying we’re such a poor country but we sell out concert tickets!

And why am I on this show? My sister bought a ticket before finding out there’s a set of tickets that included a meet and greet – so she sold this to me. I know these guys from youtube, but wouldn’t have bought these tickets if not for my sister.

I just hope this will be fun at the very least.

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Dear Julian

I hate this.

When we started to get along so well, I thought, you’re something else. I thought you could be a great, fun friend. I started to get to know you better and started to enjoy our conversations a little too much. And then I started to really look forward to talking to you – every single day. Even your occasional drunk calling made me smile – a lot!

When we sort of “parted” ways, I thought we won’t be keeping in touch. Lo and behold – nearly 3 years later, we still occasionally keep in touch via Facebook or Text. I saw you from one girlfriend to another. We spoke about each other’s break ups and I really like the fact that you really were just open with how you feel and didn’t consider me a stranger.

Then I started to wonder what we are to each other. I said, “nope, he’s like the brother I never had…”. But I know I was lying to myself. I was lying to myself because I didn’t want to break anything we had. I like you too much to risk losing the friend I had in you.

I started rationalizing and justifying that you felt nothing romantic for me because when you had a girlfriend, I was almost non-existent to you. But come your break-up, we talk like we were just talking the other day. then I started thinking and feeling again.

Then – I start hating myself. For not risking what we currently have to know whether we could have had something more.

I think I started to like you more than just a friend. In fact, I think I’ve cared too much about you that I’m starting to fallūüė¶

I wish I could tell you this – but I still can’t.

I’m so stupid when it comes to these things.

I tend to over analyze things and then greatly regret it afterwards. I hate being too safe.

I know you don’t know this blog/journal exists. but in the off-chance you read this, do me a favor and call me. tell me what we have just so I can stop and move on.

Even if it’s something that I may not want to hear – let me know because it’s a terrible feeling – not knowing.

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What do I want?

I’ve been spending a lot of time with a new group of people at work and they’ve been mostly talking about their love lives. One just broke up with someone, another one hoping to finally find love, while the other one’s looking at the choices.

The past 2 years I’ve been working for the company and maybe past year I’ve spent with these people, they have learned that i’m:

a. Separated for 3 years;

b. A single Mom and;

c. Haven’t been with anyone else — not even a date since I was separated.

They’ve constantly wished me a love life. a happy, family life and s romantic relationship. A guy – finally.

With good intentions, they’ve been trying to find me someone to set me up with. All very keen to find me the “right guy.” They’ve been asking me my “type.”

I thought. Thought reaaalllyyy hard. Then, I realized, I had no “type.” I do not know what I want – at least in terms of how they look like. ¬†All I know is that I know it when I’ve spoken to them or have known them through their own written and/or spoken words. Words have a lot of bearing to me.

He’s got to make sense. He’s got to show passion AND compassion. He’s got to be sincere and shouldn’t care for the shallow, earthly things (i.e. me not being hot enough :p or that I do not own something..) He must have been through something that’s genuinely hurt him and made him understand life better.

He’s got to know my son and get along well with my son. He’s got to share my values. I don’t want to try and change for someone. If I find myself trying to be somebody I’m usually not, then he’s not it. However, if I find myself doing new things and actually releasing more of myself – then he’s got to be something.

I kept telling them I just want John Mayer. ahhahaha, silly and I know, impossible — but I do mean that. Of course, I’m talking about the John Mayer in my head. The kind of John Mayer I’ve created in my head. I’m not personal friend of his to actually know how and who he is but I guess the best way to show who or what kind of man I want, I’ll explain or try to describe the John Mayer in my head.

1. He’s¬†got Passion. ¬†The way he makes music and plays it – that’s so much passion for me. When he talks about things he’s passionate about and you can just feel it is down right sexy to me.

2. Grounded. he’s been labeled a douche several times, I know – but he also knows he can’t control how media will portray him so he goes about it in a non-self destruct way (i know some people will disagree). He doesn’t take it lightly, but not too seriously either. He knows where and how to position himself in public without showing disrespect for anyone.

3. Great sense of Humor. ¬†His humor is my kind of humor. wordy – but not too nerdy that you’d have to be the 5th character in the Big Bang Theory TV Series to get it.It’s subtle and nonsense to some, but when you get – it’s downright hilarious.

4. Witty. I love anyone who can just play with words – make it humorous, smart, romantic and even arrogant without hurting anyone.

5. He knows what he has and he knows his boundaries.¬†He knows he’s famous and if he needed to, he can use it to his advantage, so long as he doesn’t overstep boundaries. He can use his charms to get away with things, but he doesn’t always use it because he knows what’s right and wrong.

6. He has values and morals.¬†again, he knows what’s right and wrong. nuf said.

lastly…

7. He knows FAMILY.

Ah, yes. I recognize this is the picture of a PERFECT man… and if that’s the John Mayer in my head (add the real john mayer face, the real john mayer fame…. hmmm!) then everybody will want to be or meet THIS John Mayer.

But there you go – in no particular order or priority, these are what I’m looking for in a guy that i want to spend my lifetime with. Him and the rest of his wonderful family.

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Thank you, John Mayer

I’m awfully stressed at work, I’m on the brink of crying…

I’m cramped with so much questions and emails to answer, my to-do list hasn’t gone any shorter throughout the course of the week. In fact, it might have even gone longer.

After the endless meetings from 730 AM until 430pm, i finally found a break and chanced upon this.

Yes, I sound like a silly little girl – but John does my heart good. especially the little moments like these. He makes me smile as if we know each other and I’m watching clips of someone I know personally.

I know it’s a one in a million chance for John Mayer to actually read my blog – but for what it’s worth. thank you for doing what you do to my heart and for making me smile by simply being you.

You take away some of the pain and some of the heartache. not completely – but it helps.

Thanks. you have NO idea.

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