My daughter

Since I was err a teenager, I’ve always had this perfect family picture in my head.

Me, my loving and wonderful husband, son for my firstborn then a daughter.

We lived in a small 3 bedroom house where we spend most family times in the living room, reading or telling stories or having snacks, maybe watching a movie (but I reckon, in my dreams, movies are done in the bedroom for a more comfy position).

When I got married, I had that loving and wonderful husband. He truly truly was.

Then I had my firstborn, true enough — a boy! I kid you not when I tell you that in my dreams, how my son looks like now pretty much is how my son in my dreams looked like!

We were on our way to purchasing that small house where we can spend our time reading, playing, telling stories and watching movies. It wasn’t coming really really soon, but it was in the works. We had a plan and a timeline already.

All that would be missing soon was a little girl. My husband’s little princess. Everybody’s princess actually.

Then my whole world turned upside down. My husband — gone. The house and everything we’ve planned and saved for it — poof!

My son now is all I have.

… and a dream that someday these dreams will come back to life…

I was looking up the name Zion online and what it means. My husband wanted that name for our son, taking it from the movie Matrix not knowing what it meant. I was looking at it and it had several meaning. One common denominator was that it was biblical. It meant God’s Promised or Spiritual Land or Heaven.

Garrett on the other hand meant a brave spearman.

Then I went on and on looking at names. I knew I wanted to name my daughter something starting with the letter Z again but there are a few girl names that start with Z.

I saw Zoraya — it means Dawn.

Pretty cute, nice and just graceful.

I also remembered I told myself months back, that I wanted a baby girl, but with my marital problems, I knew it’s almost impossible. But while I was praying I remember telling the Lord, if I am still going to be blessed with a girl, I want to give her a name that would give tribute to God and my faith and a representation of who she is after all of the things that has happened to me.

I looked up HOPE and other names that means Hope.

Asha.– hope.

Zoraya Asha — the DAWN of HOPE.

🙂 perfect tribute to the end of whatever this is I’m going through. I know that in the end of all of this pain, if God decides to give me a daughter, she will be the Dawn of my new Hope.

She will always be protected by the brave spearman of God’s Spiritual land — my Zion Garrett

beautiful. just beautiful.

I haven’t given up hope on that. I haven’t given up hope on my daughter. Soon she will give me, my husband(whoever this is/will be by then) and my son happiness and joy. I still pray for this daughter. I still dream about my family.

Betrayed… twice.

I have posted few entries back about my marital situation. For the past six months, I’ve been trying to help my husband get rid of some anger and rage he has inside of him. He’s been going to a psychiatrist. I’ve been supporting him and trying to be more understanding.

All this time I was doing all that because I thought that was the only thing keeping him from starting all over again and make this family work again.

WRONG! about 5 nights ago, I found out his affair never stopped. I found out I was betrayed a second time. This time, I found out worst things. how deeper their relationship has gotten and how many people they have betrayed too.

– his wife and son

– his mother and sister

– his bestfriends

– his bosses and colleagues

in short, people who have been trying to help him and support him all those months. People who believed he really wanted to get better. People who truly love him.

How do you get over the pain?

The pain of being betrayed by a friend — she was a college mate. She started with me on that same company 5 years ago and we’ve grown to be friends when  I was PREGNANT WITH MY SON whose father she (sorry for the word) f*cked. 

The pain of being lied to by your own husband — one too many times.

The pain of knowing your child’s father chose to stay with the woman and leave his family?

The pain. Oh, the pain.

 

How do you pick yourself up, stand up and move on?

how can you even stand up if you’ve been stomped on flat on the ground?

How do you move on knowing your son still has the need and right to see his father?

How? Lord, tell me how.

I know this woman has always had overlapping boyfriends, cheating on the current one with the next. I also know she was engaged when she started having an affair with my husband. I warned my husband about her. because i knew her that way. because her mother was also a mistress.

I can’t even come to understand how she could have done this to me. knowing we have so many close friends in the same company we’ve been working for, for the past five years. she had no conscience. she had no feelings. she had no care for this world but herself and her own desires.

I know she won’t stay long with my husband especially because he doesn’t have any money to even give her anything. all his money’s with us, he gave me his atms so everything goes straight to me. I know she’s not serious about this relationship and she’s just in it for the thrill. I know when the thrill is gone, she’ll be gone too. 

Now that it’s all blown up in the office and everywhere else. The thrill is gone. Now that I told her she can have him, but never my husband, the exciting feeling of taking something forbidden is gone.

My husband, we all believe now is going through soomething psychological. I can’t explain it and I won’t because it’s been tough. Make things short — Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

Friends and family and me especially have seen it, read it even in emails he sent to himself… getting mad at the person he is now, coming from the person he was before. It’s scary when you read it but it’s something that tells us, he needs professional psychological help.

We all hate the woman because she took advantage of him and now, he’s gotten worse .. she could care less still.

I’ve been betrayed. twice. I’ve been in pain for nearly a year… and it’s not yet over. 

His family, our friends and I all agreed we’ll have to take him to a professional, willingly or not he will have to go. When he’s more sorted out, I know this whole drama will start again.

Will I still want him back? ask me now, and no. 

In months or even years’ time. I don’t know. 

I don’t know him anymore today. I don’t know if I will know him again in the future.

again… only God knows. His will be done. I know he will tell me the right answer when the time has come.

For now, we need prayers from everyone. I also would appreciate if anyone here knows of an experienced psychiatrist. we need one fast.

As I Turn Another Leaf

I’m about to turn another year older. As I look back in my life, where I am now, the pains, laughters, joy and sadness I’ve experienced I bet is just a taste of what could be in the next 26 more years of my life.

Today, 10 years seems such a long time ago. In the next 20 years or so of my life, I’m sure 10 years will seem like yesterday.

I have a lot of dreams that I tell myself I have to accomplish before I turn 30. Alas! I have 3 years give or take before I turn 30 and where I am now doesn’t seem like the road to those dreams.

I said I wanted to travel. To go to places with different cultures and traditions and explore other people’s worlds. I said I wanted to do this with my family, as soon as my son turns about 5 or 7 years old. He’s 4 years old now and well, we don’t exactly have the luxury to travel and 3 years doesn’t seem to be enough to save up for travelling. Our family is also not so much of a family right now. God only knows if we’ll still be a family next year.

I also remember telling myself and my husband when we got married that by the time our son’s 3 years old, we have to be living in our OWN house. Tough Luck. I thought it was easy, just set your mind to it and keep working. Especially where I used to work, money was a bit easy, we were able to save a lot. We were able to invest on quite a few things. Then a year ago, just before my son turned four, things turned completely around– 180 degrees, upside-down, inside-out.

I had so many goals for myself, mostly revloving around the family my husband and I started five years ago. Starting all sorts of traditions — holidays, birthdays, summers. I have been taught and shown just how traditions are important to a family, how they create a wonderful bond between the members of the family, how they make your children’s childhood memories priceless. 

As I was going through my cousin’s multiply site, browsing their pictures of their family holiday trip to Australia, I realized, these were my goals– my parents’ and aunts/uncles’ goals too when they started their families. They didn’t come to realize them until their children were in high school or college and they’ve established all their other goals (which were mostly mine too) — have their own house, start and build traditions and of course travel.

I look back in my life and yes, my parents did all they could to give us these. We never lacked in traditions we were overflowing with them and they were always great because all of our cousins were always there. We didn’t exactly have our own house, but that was because my grandfather asked my father to stay with him in his house when my grandmother died and that house has been our home ever since my parents got married. We were also able to travel. Not too much, but I can at least say I’ve been to 3 continents — North America, Australia and Asia.

In a few weeks I’m turning 27. When my mother was this age, I was only2 years old and our lives were very simple, my mother was still working and I was still an only child. I on the other hand will be jobless, with a 4 year old and well, without a husband to celebrate another year’s turn with.

That doesn’t mean I have to stop my goals and dreams. I still want and WILL own that house. Travel with my son (with or without my father)…and I’ve started traditions with him and I want him to remember these.

I have given myself a new Goal this year. My parents are moving to Australia and staying there for four years. They’ve never been away from us and I don’t want them to be there, working at this age. Especially since two of their children are already working. Times have become difficult and with my current situation, I haven’t been able to support them the way I was able to before.

I have vowed to make sure I find a decent job, work my way up or simply work my butt off to save and earn enough for me and my son, as well as my parents. They have to come back home soon and not have to work that hard. I want to help them put up a small business that can sustain them and keep them busy. 

Who knows, maybe next time, we’ll be travelling together.

My husband? He’s still welcome in our hearts and our lives. As long as it’s my old husband… not the monster that’s been with me and my son the past seven months.

I still love my husband. My tuts. I just don’t know where he is. I hope that this year will be better for me, for my son, for my tuts. For us as a family. 

If God wills it, then it will be. Keeping Faith and Prayers close to heart.

Thy will be done.

My year that was

Two thousand and eight ended quite sad. For the most part, 2008 was just full of heartaches, pains and unwanted & unexpected changes.

It was, worst of all, the year everything I knew or thought of went completely upside-down.

Pain I felt that past year was nothing compared to anything else I’ve ever felt. It weakened my core. Tore me to pieces and devoured me whole. The pain disabled me from anything and everything.

I saw the glass EMPTY, not just Half-Empty. Rock bottom became common place to me.  It became my place.  Pain, heartaches, humiliation, utter disregard and disrespect – they made sure I stayed at that bottom.

2008 however saw me closer to God. I found God at that rock-bottom place. Prayers became my refuge. They became the air that made me live, the air that saved me from suffocation.  I cried every bitter tear that I could, released every pain … or at least tried to.

Friends and Family became estranged. I drew myself away. Afraid of answering questions even I don’t have answers to. Afraid of further humiliation and embarassment. Afraid they might judge my husband for something we don’t even understand.

This new year,  I only have more prayers and hopes that life will be better. I want my life back on track. I want to start living again, be with my family and friends again.

Most of all, I want to stop the bitter heart… I want to love and be loved again.

There’s always a Choice

God chooses what we go through;

We choose how we go through it. 

– John C. Maxwell

 

For the past six months, I’ve been on a roller coaster ride. From finding out my husband’s drifting away, to learning about an affair he was starting to have; 

I had to quit the job I love in the company I was in since I graduated college. Then my husband left. My 4 year old son and I had to move to a tiny apartment and settle there for the next year. I was lucky to have another job, but it was one that I enjoyed and despised at the same time.

Then I had to quit again. The emotional roller coaster and unstable moods I’ve been going through because of my conversations with my estranged husband was too much to bear and was affecting my work.

I went from hating my husband, hating myself and hating my life, to finding God.

Then I went from having so much faith to hating God. 

I also went from blaming myself to blaming everybody else — my parents, my relatives, my husband and his family and their history of broken marriages.

I’ve talked to a few close friends, and then none. I went from talking to them about my situation almost on a daily basis, getting their insights, encouragement and support to shutting them all down at the same time.

Now I’m back to my faith. Believing in a God Almighty that has put me through all of this and still is putting me through this.

I stopped blaming but started accepting. Accepting the fact that yes, my husband has fallen astray, and may not come back anymore. Accepting the fact that maybe this Christmas is the first of the many Christmases my son and I will be spending alone — just the two of us. 

I am trying to reconnect with friends but am avoiding talking about my situation and start focusing on my life and the future my son and I should have.

One of my best friends told me last week — “Have faith. Keep praying. Be Patient. ”

Then I responded with sarcasm — “yeah, everybody’s been telling me about “God’s Time” when IS God’s Time??”

Candid and frank as she is, she responded — “Keep complaining, he’ll give you more challenges. Stop that and start trusting and believing — patience.”

And so it is. I was a bit taken aback when she said that because she usually has nothing much to say, but with the few words she says, they hit me right where it mattered.

So two days ago, I started believing. Stopped complaining. Stopped looking for my husband, stopped begging him to come back. Then I started accepting.

God chose for me to go through this… I chose how I will go through it… for the past six months, I didn’t make such a wise choice. Today, I’m hoping I’m making, at least, a better choice.

For the past six months, I’ve been on a roller coaster ride. I’m still on it… but I believe it’s about to stop.

I’m a Big Boy Mommy

Every night before we go to bed, my son and I would have a little chat, pray and say our Thank You’s for the day and kiss each other goodnight.

It’s a routine we’ve established since our Dada well… left. It’s a very calming and assuring routine for both of us as our prayers both have something for Dada.

He’d also say cute Thank You’s at the end of his prayers like:
“Thank you for eating, for playing, for sleeping, for going to school… thank you for loving mommy” — [I]aawww… :p[/I] It’s cute and sometimes amazing how he thinks of things he wants to be thankful for.

During our chats, I’d ask him how school went, what he did in his two and a half stay in his cute little blue classroom with all 10 of his classmates.

Oftentimes I hear the same things over and over like, we played, we washed our hands, we ate, we sang, etc etc.

Every now and then I’d hear a new activity like when they started their Animal Alphabet with A for Alligator, they had an Alligator path they followed all over the room, over and under and all around.

Then we also talk about what he did for the rest of the day. Often times he asks me… “Mommy, do big boys brush their teeth?” or “Mommy, do big boys get dressed all by themselves?”

Once I say, yes they do he’d have a big grin on his face and tell me “I’m a Big Boy now mommy!” Kids love learning that they’re big boys and girls already. They are in such a rush to be a “big boy or girl”. While we, adults, are dying to become kids again.

The other day while I was giving him his bath, he said.
“Mommy, don’t cry when Ziggy goes to school and Dada goes to the office. You’re a big girl.”

He’s seen me cry by myself one too many times when he’s Dada’s not home, especially when he left the house 2 weeks ago. He knows and somehow understands why I’m sad but he believes it’s nothing. It’s only because they leave mommy alone at home sometimes. He often makes me realize how tougher kids are because of innocence.

How I wish I had his innocence and strength to face this trial. He is indeed a big boy now. He’s a bigger boy than I thought he was.

When I’m In Over My Head

As I’ve endlessly blogged about in here and practically all of my other blogs, I’m in a roller coaster ride, dealing with issues with my husband and our marriage.

We’ve faught, we’ve made up, we’ve talked in whispers, in rage and in caring tones all within the past 4 months and yet we’re still here. Unsure of where this marriage is going and what we’re going to do.

Often times we start out fine. We start talking to figure out what we should be doing with our situation. Civil towards each other. I’m not mad at him, he’s not mad at me. Then within the conversation we start not making sense or one gets annoyed by the tiniest bit of things and before we know it we’re raising our voices or saying insults to each other.

For months I thought I could control myself. I can be mature enough to NOT take whatever he’s saying too personally because professional counsellors have explained that he’s a little lost and confused within his emotions and his head that sometimes he says things out of resentment and he can’t distinguish if he meant it. It’s a result of

Sure, most of the times I am able to stop myself and just take it in, even if it hurts. Sometimes I’m way in over my head thinking I can ALWAYS do this. Thinking I can always be patient and take these words and not take them personally. Then again, I’m only human. I have my own feelings that start to boil when I’m not in the right mind.

When I’m In Over my Head… I start to falter. I start to get paranoid. I start to break. I start to crumble. I lose sense of what’s right and wrong. What’s hurtful and what’s not. Then we start going through a literal roller coaster of spats and sorry’s and raised voices and silence.

When I’m In Over My head — I become the monster wife. 😦 I become a nagger 😦 I can’t seem to accept that I can’t control what’s going on and I have to let it go and take a course of its own.

I’m a mother and the eldest of four daughters. I have always had the tendency to “lead” and “take over”. I can’t take it when things don’t go my way. I can’t always accept that things aren’t exactly how I planned them to be.

Sometimes we just have to accept that they don’t go EXACTLY how we planned it, but we can still get to the same results… I know… but I’m having a difficult time accepting that. 😦

When a Woman Falters

After months of dealing with some marital issues, talking to people, friends, even complete strangers, I have realized one thing. Women are Strength.

My husband and I are facing problems that could seem both simple and complicated – depending on how you look at it.

To people who have been married for tens of years, it seems simple. It’s nothing compared to what they’ve been through or what else we would be going through (in the premise that we’ll make it through this one).

To others it might be too complicated that if they put themselves in my shoes, they’d be gone weeks ago.

Through all those months I’ve been talking to friends, there are three friends I constantly talk to.

1. My husband’s high school friend who became a colleague at my previous company and a close friend since about a year ago. He went through a year or so of Seminary (yep TRIED to become a priest), a firm believer of marriages and has a strong hold on his faith. He tends to say the right things most of the time and has always been objective since he’s been close to both of us in separate times of our lives.

2. One of my bestfriends who’s in Texas now and has somehow become bitter about relationships and wouldn’t care for sweet nothings as much as she cares about giving them to her own boyfriend. She’s frank, straightforward and has the tendency to “side” with me – the woman.

3. My other bestfriend who lives out of town and has always been the most religious and faithful of all my friends. She’s so in touch with her faith that sometimes I feel like I’m talking to a priest. She says the right things in the context of the Bible and they make so much sense.

Then we also have spoken to a married couple who have been doing counselling for years. they have been through worse times in their marriage and are genuinely understanding of our situation. Unfortunately when we talked to them, my husband did not like the idea of counselling so he didn’t want to go talk to them another time. I did like talking and learning from them.

Lastly, I read a book called Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. His book was about marriages — how cliche marital problems are and how simple it could be if we understand the differences of man from woman. He also is a very firm believer of faith and has tied his book’s teachings with the bible and faith.

All of these friends, strangers and even the book have taught me one thing — that women were made to be strong.

They all talk about how men have been given so much pride which we sometimes call Ego. Touch and even try to deflate this pride or ego and your whole relationship will go zooming all over the place.

They talked about how women, no matter how hurt they are have more patience and strength to put down their pride and every single ounce of pain to just be there for their man. Sure it’s not true for every singlel man and woman, but it’s the general makings of a woman and a man.

Women, most of the time take everything in. To a point that they’re exploding. They turn to their faith to release everything and avoid releasing this to their husbands or partners. They pray to whichever being they believe in and vow to be there for better or worse.

Sure there are exceptional cases where it’s no longer right to keep everything in and stay with a husband who’s already abusing you in every sense of the word. But I’m not talking about those. I’m talking about every other married couple out there who go through the winds and grinds of a married life.

No matter what feminist groups say, a woman’s role in a marriage is to be the strong one. If the woman falters, the whole marriage falters. Ironically, men cannot hold it together. They can only hold things for themselves, but not for the marriage. That’s what women are for. BUT never tell a man he can’t hold the marriage together, or everything else will falter.

you see, women were made stronger and wiser. They’re made to mature faster than men so they can be the bigger person when things get rough. So they can understand the situation and know when to fold and when to stand up. Women cannot simply give up no matter how tough things become. Even when everything seems to be at an end, women hold on. Their instincts tell them to hold on and stay strong. When instincts are nowhere to be found, thats when your friends and family come in. Most of the time, they just steer you in the right direction and then you have to listen to your instincts again.

That’s life. That’s love. That’s a woman.

I got hit by a truck

Not the lyrics of a song. Not Kidding either.

Yes, I got hit by a Truck. Well my pick-up was. A 10-wheeler truck at that.

I dropped off my husband at his office and was on my way home. No longer than 5 minutes after I dropped him off, I heard some weird crackling of something I couldn’t decipher. Later on, I realized it’s metal crunching.

Yes, I was on full-stop because of heavy traffic along Q. Ave. I was tired from a day’s work at Makati, and all the traffic I had to go through, now it’s almost 10pm, traffic’s still bad! Then I suddenly noticed I was moving. not sure how though when my foot’s on the break.

Only when I looked to my left side mirror did I realize a HUGE wheel was already beside me. as in a finger’s point away! 😦

I rolled down my window and see the whole left side was swiped by the huge truck… here the truck driver’s blaming ME!!

Would I be so stupid as to stick myself beside a 10-wheeler and spend on repairs and waste hours at the police station?! Even the Police were laughing at his excuse. He even tried to remove the truck from where we were, pretend nothing happened and leave!! ugh!

Thank God I wasn’t hur, and the only damage were the sides of the doors, the back door’s a bit askew though, so rain can get in 😦 had to cover it in plastic.

At the police station, police found out the driver doesn’t have his License’ OR (official receipt which authenticates the license) AND that the truck hasn’t been registered since June!

Now we called the owner to find out if he’s paying for the repairs of only 4,000 pesos (about 85-90 USD), and he said NO!

Here the police will try to resolve the case by asking the two parties to just work it out amongst themselves. If we can’t, then we can file a lawsuit against them. Which is exactly what we’ll do.

His truck was impounded because of the no-registration, his driver was fired, and if we push through with the lawsuit, he’ll spend so much more than the 4,000 pesos he should’ve just paid.

I really don’t mind going through the lawsuit because of how people get away from these things too easily — hence, people like him who don’t have valid registrations and licensed drivers.

I want to feel sorry for him, but I can’t because he was so arrogant while I was talking to him over the phone. He blatantly said:

“are you insulting me? you’re asking me if I can pay for the damages? Can you see how big my truck is??”

Yeah mister, your truck is huge and has been impounded. Now, was I insulting you?? I was merely asking if you will pay for the damages because I am certain I was the one wronged. The police and investigators all agreed… and obviously if you have a 10-wheeler truck ivolved in an accident with a private vehicle — it wouldn’t even have a scratch on it! It’s wheels and rims are the only things that touched my car!

The headache! ugh!

my therapy…

For the past weeks, most especially the past few days, I’ve been lugging my new camera along with me.

— flashback —

a few weeks ago, after I resigned and told myself I want to fix what’s going on in my life before I go back to work due to lack of focus, I bought a camera. A Nikon D40.

–end–

So, for the past few days while things are still “unpredictable” in my life, I’ve been going to places alone or with friends with my Camera all the time.

My friend whom I had dinner with tonight made me realize that this is becoming my therapy. It’s my getaway-from-everything.

I am enjoying it and although I’m not a really good photographer, I’m getting the hang of this and hopefully become much better than I am now…

Here are a few photos I really liked… then again I’m not an expert who am I to say they’re actually good :p to me they are anyway…