Zinging zingers

Joe writes on his computer.  Brinkley on the floor next to him.

And cut between Joe and his computer screen.

     JOE (V.O.)
Do you ever feel you become the worst
version of yourself?  That a Pandora’s
Box of all the secret hateful parts —
your arrogance, your spite, your
condescension — has sprung open.
Someone provokes you, and instead of
just smiling and moving on, you zing
them.  Hello, it’s Mr. Nasty.  I’m sure
you have no idea what I’m talking about.
  

For the past week or two, this is how I’ve been feeling. I’m not sure why.

Maybe I’ve become so frustrated with my current situation — husband-less, jobless, loveless, bored and desperate withy life and its broken dreams and my husband’s broken promises…

Maybe I’m getting frustrated with my husband who’s gone off to hide under his mother’s (and sister’s) skirt and avoiding any and every chance for us to talk and finally get things to order while he still goes around with his mistress…

Maybe I’m just having PMS.

Or.. maybe it’s a combination of ALL.

I’d go with the last.

I’ve said hurtful words to my mother in law and argued with my sister in law out of spite. Out of frustration with my life.

I cannot, for the life of me, understand WHY I can’t get  a job for the past 6 months while my husband, who doesn’t have a degree and wouldn’t have gotten where he is now without my help got a job 2 weeks after he was fired!

I have a degree, a very commendable record at work, I resigned for personal reasons and wasn’t fired… yet for the past six months, I’ve applied and applied and sent dozens of resumes out, yet no one seems to have a need for me.  😦

but I know I allowed those zingers mainly because they’re speaking for their son/brother — yet again. Protecting their son/brother from his own wife who deserves to know what’s going on with his life and what he plans to do.

I am still his legal wife despite his cheating and womanizing yet his family doesn’t seem to recognize it. They even said that I have no more rights and he doesn’t have responsibilities to me anymore. He only has responsibilities to his son. that effin hurts.

I AM STILL MARRIED TO HIM. Nothing has changed legally and even in the church. We’re still married. he’s cheated on me (and still is on it) and he’s living with his mom now instead of with his wife and son. All the more does he have responsibilities to me and his son.

I hate when other people meddle. I hate when other people tell me or him what should be done when it should be me and him talking about this from the very start. that was the start of our problem, that was the reason we started drifting apart. Because he wouldn’t speak to me. Because he wouldn’t tell me what’s on his mind.

I know I was wrong in saying those words, but I also know I wasn’t wrong in demanding that I speak to my husband and not them. Yet no one respects that.

I’m yet again left in the dumps as if I was just a past time. That I was a mistake, now let’s move on with our lives.

I don’t want to be back with him. but something in me is still wanting to talk to him — I still haven’t heard any apologies. any explanation. anything that explain why the man I loved so dearly suddenly turned into a monster and treated me like a piece of shit. quite literally.

and damn it, i can’t move on while still being financially dependent on him.

Have faith, that’s what my friend still tells me. I’m trying to hold on to that faith. I’m afraid I’m slipping… i need a firmer grip.