Zinging zingers

Joe writes on his computer.  Brinkley on the floor next to him.

And cut between Joe and his computer screen.

     JOE (V.O.)
Do you ever feel you become the worst
version of yourself?  That a Pandora’s
Box of all the secret hateful parts —
your arrogance, your spite, your
condescension — has sprung open.
Someone provokes you, and instead of
just smiling and moving on, you zing
them.  Hello, it’s Mr. Nasty.  I’m sure
you have no idea what I’m talking about.
  

For the past week or two, this is how I’ve been feeling. I’m not sure why.

Maybe I’ve become so frustrated with my current situation — husband-less, jobless, loveless, bored and desperate withy life and its broken dreams and my husband’s broken promises…

Maybe I’m getting frustrated with my husband who’s gone off to hide under his mother’s (and sister’s) skirt and avoiding any and every chance for us to talk and finally get things to order while he still goes around with his mistress…

Maybe I’m just having PMS.

Or.. maybe it’s a combination of ALL.

I’d go with the last.

I’ve said hurtful words to my mother in law and argued with my sister in law out of spite. Out of frustration with my life.

I cannot, for the life of me, understand WHY I can’t get  a job for the past 6 months while my husband, who doesn’t have a degree and wouldn’t have gotten where he is now without my help got a job 2 weeks after he was fired!

I have a degree, a very commendable record at work, I resigned for personal reasons and wasn’t fired… yet for the past six months, I’ve applied and applied and sent dozens of resumes out, yet no one seems to have a need for me.  😦

but I know I allowed those zingers mainly because they’re speaking for their son/brother — yet again. Protecting their son/brother from his own wife who deserves to know what’s going on with his life and what he plans to do.

I am still his legal wife despite his cheating and womanizing yet his family doesn’t seem to recognize it. They even said that I have no more rights and he doesn’t have responsibilities to me anymore. He only has responsibilities to his son. that effin hurts.

I AM STILL MARRIED TO HIM. Nothing has changed legally and even in the church. We’re still married. he’s cheated on me (and still is on it) and he’s living with his mom now instead of with his wife and son. All the more does he have responsibilities to me and his son.

I hate when other people meddle. I hate when other people tell me or him what should be done when it should be me and him talking about this from the very start. that was the start of our problem, that was the reason we started drifting apart. Because he wouldn’t speak to me. Because he wouldn’t tell me what’s on his mind.

I know I was wrong in saying those words, but I also know I wasn’t wrong in demanding that I speak to my husband and not them. Yet no one respects that.

I’m yet again left in the dumps as if I was just a past time. That I was a mistake, now let’s move on with our lives.

I don’t want to be back with him. but something in me is still wanting to talk to him — I still haven’t heard any apologies. any explanation. anything that explain why the man I loved so dearly suddenly turned into a monster and treated me like a piece of shit. quite literally.

and damn it, i can’t move on while still being financially dependent on him.

Have faith, that’s what my friend still tells me. I’m trying to hold on to that faith. I’m afraid I’m slipping… i need a firmer grip.

baby, you’ve hurt me…

When I get to Warwick Avenue
Meet me by the entrance of the tube
We can talk things over little time
But promise me you wont stand by the light

When I get to Warwick Avenue
Please draw the past and be true
Don’t say we’re okay
Just because I’m here
You hurt me bad but I wont shed a tear

I’m leaving you for the last time baby
You think you’re loving,
But you don’t love me
And I’ve been confused
Outta my mind lately
You think you’re loving,
But I want to be free, baby
You’ve hurt me.

When I get to Warwick Avenue
We’ll spend an hour but no more than two
Our only chance to speak once more
I showed you answers, now here’s the door

When I get to Warwick Avenue
I’ll tell baby there we’re through

Cause I’m leaving you for the last time baby
You think you’re loving,
But you don’t love me
And I’ve been confused
An outta my mind lately
You think you’re loving,
But you don’t love me
I want to be free, baby
You’ve hurt me.

All the days spent together
I wish for better,
And I didn’t want the train to come
Now it’s departed, I’m broken hearted
Seems like we never started
All those days spent together
When I wished for better
And I didn’t want the train to come.
No, no.

You think you’re loving
But you don’t love me
I want to be free, baby
You’ve hurt me
You don’t love me
I want to be free
Baby you’ve hurt me

-Warwick Avenue, Duffy-

Betrayed… twice.

I have posted few entries back about my marital situation. For the past six months, I’ve been trying to help my husband get rid of some anger and rage he has inside of him. He’s been going to a psychiatrist. I’ve been supporting him and trying to be more understanding.

All this time I was doing all that because I thought that was the only thing keeping him from starting all over again and make this family work again.

WRONG! about 5 nights ago, I found out his affair never stopped. I found out I was betrayed a second time. This time, I found out worst things. how deeper their relationship has gotten and how many people they have betrayed too.

– his wife and son

– his mother and sister

– his bestfriends

– his bosses and colleagues

in short, people who have been trying to help him and support him all those months. People who believed he really wanted to get better. People who truly love him.

How do you get over the pain?

The pain of being betrayed by a friend — she was a college mate. She started with me on that same company 5 years ago and we’ve grown to be friends when  I was PREGNANT WITH MY SON whose father she (sorry for the word) f*cked. 

The pain of being lied to by your own husband — one too many times.

The pain of knowing your child’s father chose to stay with the woman and leave his family?

The pain. Oh, the pain.

 

How do you pick yourself up, stand up and move on?

how can you even stand up if you’ve been stomped on flat on the ground?

How do you move on knowing your son still has the need and right to see his father?

How? Lord, tell me how.

I know this woman has always had overlapping boyfriends, cheating on the current one with the next. I also know she was engaged when she started having an affair with my husband. I warned my husband about her. because i knew her that way. because her mother was also a mistress.

I can’t even come to understand how she could have done this to me. knowing we have so many close friends in the same company we’ve been working for, for the past five years. she had no conscience. she had no feelings. she had no care for this world but herself and her own desires.

I know she won’t stay long with my husband especially because he doesn’t have any money to even give her anything. all his money’s with us, he gave me his atms so everything goes straight to me. I know she’s not serious about this relationship and she’s just in it for the thrill. I know when the thrill is gone, she’ll be gone too. 

Now that it’s all blown up in the office and everywhere else. The thrill is gone. Now that I told her she can have him, but never my husband, the exciting feeling of taking something forbidden is gone.

My husband, we all believe now is going through soomething psychological. I can’t explain it and I won’t because it’s been tough. Make things short — Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

Friends and family and me especially have seen it, read it even in emails he sent to himself… getting mad at the person he is now, coming from the person he was before. It’s scary when you read it but it’s something that tells us, he needs professional psychological help.

We all hate the woman because she took advantage of him and now, he’s gotten worse .. she could care less still.

I’ve been betrayed. twice. I’ve been in pain for nearly a year… and it’s not yet over. 

His family, our friends and I all agreed we’ll have to take him to a professional, willingly or not he will have to go. When he’s more sorted out, I know this whole drama will start again.

Will I still want him back? ask me now, and no. 

In months or even years’ time. I don’t know. 

I don’t know him anymore today. I don’t know if I will know him again in the future.

again… only God knows. His will be done. I know he will tell me the right answer when the time has come.

For now, we need prayers from everyone. I also would appreciate if anyone here knows of an experienced psychiatrist. we need one fast.

My year that was

Two thousand and eight ended quite sad. For the most part, 2008 was just full of heartaches, pains and unwanted & unexpected changes.

It was, worst of all, the year everything I knew or thought of went completely upside-down.

Pain I felt that past year was nothing compared to anything else I’ve ever felt. It weakened my core. Tore me to pieces and devoured me whole. The pain disabled me from anything and everything.

I saw the glass EMPTY, not just Half-Empty. Rock bottom became common place to me.  It became my place.  Pain, heartaches, humiliation, utter disregard and disrespect – they made sure I stayed at that bottom.

2008 however saw me closer to God. I found God at that rock-bottom place. Prayers became my refuge. They became the air that made me live, the air that saved me from suffocation.  I cried every bitter tear that I could, released every pain … or at least tried to.

Friends and Family became estranged. I drew myself away. Afraid of answering questions even I don’t have answers to. Afraid of further humiliation and embarassment. Afraid they might judge my husband for something we don’t even understand.

This new year,  I only have more prayers and hopes that life will be better. I want my life back on track. I want to start living again, be with my family and friends again.

Most of all, I want to stop the bitter heart… I want to love and be loved again.

When I’m In Over My Head

As I’ve endlessly blogged about in here and practically all of my other blogs, I’m in a roller coaster ride, dealing with issues with my husband and our marriage.

We’ve faught, we’ve made up, we’ve talked in whispers, in rage and in caring tones all within the past 4 months and yet we’re still here. Unsure of where this marriage is going and what we’re going to do.

Often times we start out fine. We start talking to figure out what we should be doing with our situation. Civil towards each other. I’m not mad at him, he’s not mad at me. Then within the conversation we start not making sense or one gets annoyed by the tiniest bit of things and before we know it we’re raising our voices or saying insults to each other.

For months I thought I could control myself. I can be mature enough to NOT take whatever he’s saying too personally because professional counsellors have explained that he’s a little lost and confused within his emotions and his head that sometimes he says things out of resentment and he can’t distinguish if he meant it. It’s a result of

Sure, most of the times I am able to stop myself and just take it in, even if it hurts. Sometimes I’m way in over my head thinking I can ALWAYS do this. Thinking I can always be patient and take these words and not take them personally. Then again, I’m only human. I have my own feelings that start to boil when I’m not in the right mind.

When I’m In Over my Head… I start to falter. I start to get paranoid. I start to break. I start to crumble. I lose sense of what’s right and wrong. What’s hurtful and what’s not. Then we start going through a literal roller coaster of spats and sorry’s and raised voices and silence.

When I’m In Over My head — I become the monster wife. 😦 I become a nagger 😦 I can’t seem to accept that I can’t control what’s going on and I have to let it go and take a course of its own.

I’m a mother and the eldest of four daughters. I have always had the tendency to “lead” and “take over”. I can’t take it when things don’t go my way. I can’t always accept that things aren’t exactly how I planned them to be.

Sometimes we just have to accept that they don’t go EXACTLY how we planned it, but we can still get to the same results… I know… but I’m having a difficult time accepting that. 😦