Thanksgiving #4 – Thankful I’m employed

When I started working less than a month from college graduation, I had dreams and aspirations. I was naive.

I also said I wouldn’t stay in this industry for a year – -I wanted to be a journalist. A newscaster. Someone in the media. Even theater! — again, NAIVE.

Less than 3 months into my job, I had a promotion. I had great bosses and an amazing team and wonderful learnings and experiences in this industry that now, I can’t see myself anywhere else.

When my marriage fell apart. so did I.

I didn’t want to work for this industry for I found it dirty and creates a culture that encourages cheating and infidelity.

I couldn’t concentrate on anything. I couldn’t focus. I didn’t want to go ANYWHERE. I wanted to stay home, in front of the TV or the PC or take walks in the park — without having to ever step foot in the workplace again. If I was going to work, I wanted it to be in theater, or somewhere within that spectrum.

I was again, Naive.

Of course that didn’t last. Despite my hesitations to work for the same industry. But here I am again. Back on the saddle and enjoying the ride.

My friend was right. I was made for this. I was meant for this. I enjoy it and I love the feeling when I get to help people reach their dreams and at the same time satisfy and exceed client expectations.

So i am truly, greatly grateful that I am employed — and more than that — enjoying my job.

Thanksgiving #3 – thankful for the hardships

Ironically. Yes. I am saying that after all the hardships I’ve gone through the past year and a half (or so?).

Because if not for these hardships, I wouldn’t be happier. I wouldn’t possibly know how great it feels to have EVERYTHING I have now. I wouldn’t be as thankful as I am now.

The hardships and pain that I have experienced made me realize how BIG the smaller things are in my life.

I guess it goes that I am also thankful for my positive outlook in life. Despite and inspite of all the hardships, I constantly choose to be happy or at least have a positive outlook towards life.

Yes, i get depressed every now and then. But the moments I am happy and thankful are still greater.

 

Thanksgiving #2 – Thankful for my family

Just as my son was my strength when I was falling apart. My family, despite not knowing what I was going through (I purposefully did not tell them for a while) — never failed me.

They were there when I decided to tell them what was happening. Their full support, their sympathy (angry or not), and even their silence were what kept me alive and prevented me from sulking and falling below rock bottom.

I am thankful now for the bond my sisters and I share. It’s a wonderful bond sisters (or any siblings for that matter) share when they grow older and wiser. No more petty fights – just understanding, fun times, stories to share and learn from.

I am thankful for my wonderful cousins who are full support whenever you need them. In ANYTHING. And I mean ANYTHING! There’s never been anything they haven’t been able to support — so far :p

Thankful for my aunts and uncles who, despite the quirks and annoyance they may cause us children — are still the first people we run to when we need solid advices and words of wisdom.

Thank God I have this family.

I may hate them at times — but nothing will ever or can ever replace them. They’re my family and I’m damn proud and thankful that they are.

Thanksgiving #1 — Thankful for my son

Got this from Jet’s post on Facebook:

Let’s see how many people can do this. Every day this month until Thanksgiving, think of one thing that you are thankful for and post it as your status. “Today I am thankful for…” The longer you do it, the harder it gets! Now if you think you can do it then repost this message as your status to invite others to take the challenge, then post what YOU are thankful for today.

Even though we don’t really have thanksgiving here, I thought it was a good idea. After having had a terrible year (incidentally, it’s been a year since my husband left me and my son), I have found so much more things to be thankful for.  I’ll try and post something until the US thanksgiving day (or maybe even until Christmas. Or until I run out of things to be thankful for? :p

So today is day 1 of my thanskgiving.

I am thankful I have my son.

Yes, my previous post was all about me losing my patience in my own son. But never did it mean I do not love him. Doesn’t mean I am not thankful for him.

I love him. With all my heart. No words can express how thankful I am for my son.

He was my joy in times of pain. The strength that pulled me through during my toughest time. He was way tougher than me… and I admit I may have been too tough on him — still am being too tough on him every now and then.

Then again, I only realize this when it’s over and done with. What can I do? I’m raising him on my own, with nobody to help me, teach me or guide me. I pray that I’m doing the right thing. Or at least, he makes it alright when he grows up and goes on his own.

I am thankful I have my son who may be a constant reminder of a bitter past, but a sweet sweet vision of the future.

He reminds me that life HAS to go on. Despite all the pain and heartaches — nothing should stop us from going on. From going for our dreams. From fulfilling our hearts desires and pushing through with our future plans. Plans that were planned with him, his dada and me — that now will be fulfilled by the two of us.

If someone else decides to join us in our journey together, then so be it and we’ll both be even more grateful.

Running out of patience

We all know being a parent is a tough job… I knew that even before I got pregnant and it was a challenge I was ready and eager for. Of course, that was assuming I would have a husband sharing the duties and tasks with me.

Today, I started on my new job. Yay, right? Finally… a new job. It’s a promising new job. New and old people alike, nice bosses, nice clients, AND a morning schedule! which is rare in my industry/line of work.

So, I get home in the afternoon eager to take my sisters and my son out for a quick dinner and just chat. Talk about my new job.

My son — for the life of me… started throwing tantrums when we got in the restaurant.

He started whining asking for juice — which I ordered for him. When his food arrived he began with …”I’m  not hungry.. i don’t want to eat”. Which, mind you, I do not believe because he hasn’t had lunch either! Nobody at home could make him eat lunch when I was at work!

After trying to persuade him nicely (my sisters and I), I started losing my patience and stood up to talk to him straight and to the point. Told him that ifi he’s not going to eat, we’re going home.

Of course, I’m his mother and I know that the only reason he doesn’t want to eat is because he doesn’t feel like eating what was served to him. I didn’t want him to get used to always getting what he wanted- eating only what he wanted (i.e. fast food) because I was brought up the same way. We never had a choice of what to eat. My mother would always say, eat what’s served to you (in the context of, other kids don’t have ANYTHING at all so be thankful). And it’s true. Aside from the fact that it’s healthier than eating junk food, he has to eat what is served to him.

So there he was starting to whine and cry when I resorted to just ignoring him. His crying was not too loud then, and only me and my sisters were getting irritated by the crying. Too much for wanting to have a conversation and a nice dinner huh?

Then when he saw he was being ignored he started crying louder and banging his fist on the wall beside him. … can you spell T-A-N-T-R-U-M-S?

Yes. I believe that’s what it’s called.

Nobody. And I Mean NO ONE in my family threw tantrums before. Not even cousins. It just wasn’t tolerated and never, i guess, been a behavior of any of us.

I never believed it could be “hereditary” but lo and behold. These bad attitudes and behaviors my son’s been displaying were out of my line of patience.Something I’ve never experienced before — and mind you I’m the eldest in the family and I grew up very close to my cousins too — NEVER experienced this kind of behavior.

It’s tough being a parent. Me being a single parent — damn tougher and harder. How do I handle this? I tried talking to him calmly but he looks at me with those scary eyes and nostrils start flaring, fists start clenching and then the shouting.

It’s beyond me how a child this young can do this. Then I remembered my (ex) Mother in law’s stories about her son (aka ex-husband) doing the same things. And she shared these stories as if they were amusing.

It definitely is not and it definitely should have been something she corrected in him. That’s too late now. My son, however, isn’t. But how do I deal with this?

I’m stumped. tired. frustrated. God help!

Ephron Love

Just saw Julie and Julia this afternoon. I wanted to see it before because of Meryl Streep and Amy Adams. I didn’t know it was a Nora Ephron film.

For years, I have been an Ephron fan. Although I was too young to actually enjoy When Harry Met Sally or Sleepless in Seattle. I loved You’ve Got Mail. And since then I’ve seen the other two and have loved Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks.

Only after watching a Nora Ephron interview special on HBO did I come to know that all these films with Meg Ryan and/or Tom Hanks that I loved were all Nora Ephron films.

When I was looking for movies to watch early this morning, I saw Julie and Julia and went to look it up on IMDB and found out it was another Ephron film! Therefore, no sense in thinking of what to watch. Straight on to Julie and Julia!

If Woody Allen’s films were almost always about or set in New York. Nora Ephron is his female version. Nora Ephron always – ALWAYS – captures the beauty of New York. The charm and romance that is in and around New York. She’s the main reason I loooooved New York. The reason I have always wanted to see New York.

Today, while watching Julie and Julia, I cannot help but guess the next words in the dialogues. I’ve been able to guess them several times. True to Ephron’s styles – despite the fact that this was being adapted from Julie Powell’s book of the same title.

The best part of it is that this time, it’s not only set in New York — but in Paris and New York! Two places I always dream of going to or living in.

The movie revolved around an aspiring writer who loves to cook… and is pretty good at it …  Julia Powell was first known as a blogger. Her  Julie/Julia Project became well known in the blogging world way back in 2002-2003. (Althought, I never got wind of it… maybe coz I started blogging 2003?)

Anyway. I fell in love with the movie right away, just as I did with You’ve Got Mail. few reasons why:

Set in: Paris & New York — my dream places

About: two women who love cooking and writing — things I absolutely love doing.. and just like them. I believe I’m pretty good at cooking. I get somewhat similar reactions when I cook for family and friends… writing? hmmm.. not so much.

Direction & Writing (screenplay): Nora Ephron. My movie heroine.

Lastly … there’s still the romance and comedy between a married couple. Things I may not have now, but still pray for and dream of every single day of my life.

I suddenly remembered cooking something new / experimenting with a new recipe and having my (then) husband as my taste-tester and I get the same enthusiasm and reaction and gusto as Julie’s & Julia’s husbands.

I still haven’t given hope that someday I will have that again. cooking for my husband everyday. Surprising him with something wonderful and getting that wondeful feeling of fulfillment… that I have satisfied a hungry husband (and child/children) with something delightful. Even if it was something as simple as fried chicken.

As usual. Nora Ephron has warmed my heart and charmed me into this dangerous feeling of wanting to fall in love again.

Hermit Crabs

Sharing something a friend posted on Facebook. More for me more than anyone else.

There are lots of hermit crabs in the tide pools near a house where my family used to live. They’re interesting little creatures. A hermit crab will find a shell that fits him, put it on, and live in it. After a while, he grows and the shell no longer fits, so the crab scurries along the sea floor and finds another shell to live in. He crawls out of his first shell and into the shell that fits his new needs. This scene repeats itself again and again throughout his life.

Let’s learn a lesson from the hermit crabs.

Just because a decision was right for you yesterday, doesn’t mean it meets your needs today. People grow. People change. And sometimes we have to let our safe little places go, in order to grow and change.
Are you holding on to something that doesn’t work anymore, just because it’s safe and what you know? It could be a behavior pattern- such as feeling victimized in all your relationships or wearing yourself out trying to control what you can’t.

Thank the lessons, people, and places of the past for all they’ve taught you. Thank your survival behaviors for helping you cope. There’s nothing wrong with feeling comfortable and safe.- having lifetime friends and a career that serves us well. But don’t get so comfortable that you can’t let go and move on when it’s time. If the walls are too confining and limiting and and you’re feeling stuck and bored, maybe it’s time to get out and find a new shell. There’s another shell waiting that will fit you better, but you can’t move into it until you leave this one behind.

God, show me the behaviors, things, people, and places that I’ve outgrown. Then give me the faith to let go.

Lost and want to be found

I am unemployed. Yet again. For about three weeks now.

Frustrated.

Bored.

Depressing to think how, for five straight years of solid employment and experience, I am not getting any opportunities/offers while others are getting offers left and right under the wrong pretence.

I thought after the initial shock of my husband’s cheating and my world crumbling down and after putting myself together and telling myself that I gotta stand back up real quick, things will start flowing again. Obviously I was wrong. My life has just become so out of sync.

When I found out about my husband’s cheating — my life stopped — but the world kept on going. I am trying so hard to catch up but I’m stuck. Stuck. I can’t seem to let go of the past. No matter how much I tell myself that I want to, no matter how hard I try to convince myself that I have indeed let go — it keeps coming back. It just keeps coming back.

My world started really falling apart, not when I initially found out about my husband’s cheating. Not when he told me that he wanted to leave. Not even when he actually packed his bags and left. No. It started when I moved out of the house we’ve been living in for four years since we got married and into this small unit in an apartment building a few houses away.

Things started to creep in — that he’s not coming back and that THIS is how our lives are going to be soon. It started creeping in but I refused to accept. I refused to look at the different color seeping into my world that will change my life and my son’s forever. I just refused to look it straight in the eye.
I was desperate to still “make it work.” How and why, is already beyond me. I’ve been hurt so much yet I was forcing things to “work.”

Ah. I think I know why. Because all my life I had everything planned or at least I had it in my head how things would go — even if it went wrong I had Plan B. All the time. Before I do something I already have the consequences in my head and the “what’s the worst that can happen?” scenario in my head. I have a plan for that too.

This time, I don’t have a Plan B. This wasn’t a scenario I had played in my head. It did not ever come up in my “what’s the worst that can happen?” list. Who would think that anyway? Why would any devoted wife and mother even put that in their heads?

Now I am here — stuck. Stuck with the thought that this shouldn’t be me. That, no — this can’t possibly have happened to me. I’m still stuck in the last scene where I still had a family of my own – a husband and a son.

I think I’m having a hard time finding a job or knowing the right path for me to start over again because I can’t let go.

I can frankly say now that NO I do not want my husband back. No. I do not. I have said this over and over to many people. I am utterly disgusted by what he did and to think about the possibility of getting back together again — with that same man who did all of those things to me and my son, is just out of the question.

I have prayed over and over for help, courage and grace to finally forgive him and his mistress for what they did. I have talked to so many people about how much I want to just forgive and move on. To let go and get on with my life with my son.

Yet for the life of me, I get stuck. I am stuck with bitterness, sulking and regret. All three alternating every other week or so. Something always manages to remind me of one of these.

Bitter at the fact that I quit the job I love and left the team I love and cared for the most. The people I grew up with and helped me become one of the best in that company. I left so that I can make my marriage work. So that I can focus on being a wife. I left because I didn’t want to jeopardize my job and that account because of my lack of focus and motivation. I owe it to my mentors to make sure that I always do the best I can, and my lack of focus just wasn’t what that team or that account deserved.

Sulking over the fact that they’re having the better part of the karma while I continue suffering. They got promoted, sent to the US, got a better job – while here I am unable to keep a job. Here I am accepting whatever comes because I need to save up and because I have a son I need to provide for. Sulking over the fact that I’m the one dealing with our son. Especially at his age of a thousand and one questions and me, stressing at a job I don’t even enjoy and doesn’t pay me enough – we just end up arguing. I just end up yelling. Yes, even hating the fact that I have to be the one to take care and “nourish” this young one when I myself can’t even stand up and be whole again.

Regret over so much spilled milk. The shoulda-woulda-coulda’s. Regretting situations I could’ve dealt with better. Like quitting my job and leaving the two of them STILL in the same office – together. Regret at believing all the lies when I should’ve taken more caution after his first and second lies… Regret that I held on that long only to still fall hard where it hurt much harder.

I am still stuck. My life still is at a stand still, and the world is moving so much faster. I have occupied myself with books, so much of them, for the last few months. I have been trying to live my life on pause. I read these books so I can get lost in another world. A world that doesn’t hurt. A world that doesn’t remind me of any pain. A world where I can be the hero, the princess, the damsel saved by that brave knight, the successful one, the one who had the last laugh, the one that lived happily ever after.

Just writing this all down, I think I have come to realize and understand that I haven’t let go. I haven’t forgiven. I haven’t moved on. Despite all that I may tell myself. No matter what I thought I have done – I just haven’t moved on nor forgiven and let go.

For months on end, I have been thinking and thinking about what I should be doing. I said I wanted to move out of the industry I’ve worked for, for the past six years since I graduated from college. Something in me has been telling me to move, go somewhere else. Something in me is telling me that my life doesn’t belong here. I see myself elsewhere, doing something else.

What’s keeping me? My son. I know he shouldn’t be a burden and no he isn’t. It’s just that the things I see myself doing won’t be something that will bring in enough for him and me. The life I see myself living is something some wives do while their husbands bring in their bread and butter.

I don’t have a husband. The bread and butter comes from me – sure my (ex) husband sends money – but that’s not even enough to pay for all the debt he’s incurred on his last few months that were, unfortunately under my name.

I want to move on. I want to let go. I want to forgive. I want to live a new life. I want to reconnect with my son whom I’ve put aside since I started my last job. I was too stressed when I get home that I go straight to bed and not even talk to my son anymore. Now, I just feel so disconnected from him.

I knew that separations (or divorce) such as these take a long time to heal. That people don’t just get back up on their feet in months’ time. Others take years. I hate to think that I don’t have the luxury to take “my time” to heal and get back on my feet again. I don’t know anymore who or what to put first. Me, my son, or thinking about how we’re going to survive the next few months?

first day

On Monday, I felt like a new kid in school while my son’s the parent waiting home for news on how the day went.

I leave early, wanting to leave a good impression on everyone that I come in before I’m “due” and try and mingle.

I got home late becuase training extended an hour. It was a little boring but I still was exhausted when I got home…

At the same time I felt wonderful that I’m doing something again!

When I got to my parents/sisters’ house to pick up my son, he was smiling from ear to ear as he approached our red pick-up truck. When the door was opened I couldn’t help myself and exclaimed an excited “Hi!! I missed you today!!”

If his smile could go further from ear-to-ear (although that would be freaky :p), he would’ve. He was blushing and just glad I missed him as he proclaimed “me too!”

Then he said “did you found a job mommY?” and mommy proudly said “Yes!”

On a high

a whiff of the smell of untouched pages..

the sight of uncreased spines..

the feel of hundreds of crisp pages fluttering and rolling through my fingertips.

i have painfully missed the bookstore.

for months I have kept to myself, wallowed a few months, hibernated a few, then the last few months I worked hard to get myself back on my feet again.

Now I’m about to embark on some new challenges in my life. A completely new page in my novel… maybe even a whole new novel in itself.

I indulged my yearning to read a new book three days ago, and I surprised myself at how I was able to finish it too quickly!

Today, I purposefully went to my favorite bookstore and browsed and browsed until I had five books tugged around one arm and the other still browsing at more books!

Finally I had to put down one book and just bought the four but vowed to get more when I get my first paycheck (after six-months of unemployment!).

I’m excited to read. I didn’t even bother looking at reviews and recommendations for good books. I browsed and browsed titles and took whatever catched my fancy.

Now, any recommendations from you?