Running out of patience

We all know being a parent is a tough job… I knew that even before I got pregnant and it was a challenge I was ready and eager for. Of course, that was assuming I would have a husband sharing the duties and tasks with me.

Today, I started on my new job. Yay, right? Finally… a new job. It’s a promising new job. New and old people alike, nice bosses, nice clients, AND a morning schedule! which is rare in my industry/line of work.

So, I get home in the afternoon eager to take my sisters and my son out for a quick dinner and just chat. Talk about my new job.

My son — for the life of me… started throwing tantrums when we got in the restaurant.

He started whining asking for juice — which I ordered for him. When his food arrived he began with …”I’m  not hungry.. i don’t want to eat”. Which, mind you, I do not believe because he hasn’t had lunch either! Nobody at home could make him eat lunch when I was at work!

After trying to persuade him nicely (my sisters and I), I started losing my patience and stood up to talk to him straight and to the point. Told him that ifi he’s not going to eat, we’re going home.

Of course, I’m his mother and I know that the only reason he doesn’t want to eat is because he doesn’t feel like eating what was served to him. I didn’t want him to get used to always getting what he wanted- eating only what he wanted (i.e. fast food) because I was brought up the same way. We never had a choice of what to eat. My mother would always say, eat what’s served to you (in the context of, other kids don’t have ANYTHING at all so be thankful). And it’s true. Aside from the fact that it’s healthier than eating junk food, he has to eat what is served to him.

So there he was starting to whine and cry when I resorted to just ignoring him. His crying was not too loud then, and only me and my sisters were getting irritated by the crying. Too much for wanting to have a conversation and a nice dinner huh?

Then when he saw he was being ignored he started crying louder and banging his fist on the wall beside him. … can you spell T-A-N-T-R-U-M-S?

Yes. I believe that’s what it’s called.

Nobody. And I Mean NO ONE in my family threw tantrums before. Not even cousins. It just wasn’t tolerated and never, i guess, been a behavior of any of us.

I never believed it could be “hereditary” but lo and behold. These bad attitudes and behaviors my son’s been displaying were out of my line of patience.Something I’ve never experienced before — and mind you I’m the eldest in the family and I grew up very close to my cousins too — NEVER experienced this kind of behavior.

It’s tough being a parent. Me being a single parent — damn tougher and harder. How do I handle this? I tried talking to him calmly but he looks at me with those scary eyes and nostrils start flaring, fists start clenching and then the shouting.

It’s beyond me how a child this young can do this. Then I remembered my (ex) Mother in law’s stories about her son (aka ex-husband) doing the same things. And she shared these stories as if they were amusing.

It definitely is not and it definitely should have been something she corrected in him. That’s too late now. My son, however, isn’t. But how do I deal with this?

I’m stumped. tired. frustrated. God help!

Ephron Love

Just saw Julie and Julia this afternoon. I wanted to see it before because of Meryl Streep and Amy Adams. I didn’t know it was a Nora Ephron film.

For years, I have been an Ephron fan. Although I was too young to actually enjoy When Harry Met Sally or Sleepless in Seattle. I loved You’ve Got Mail. And since then I’ve seen the other two and have loved Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks.

Only after watching a Nora Ephron interview special on HBO did I come to know that all these films with Meg Ryan and/or Tom Hanks that I loved were all Nora Ephron films.

When I was looking for movies to watch early this morning, I saw Julie and Julia and went to look it up on IMDB and found out it was another Ephron film! Therefore, no sense in thinking of what to watch. Straight on to Julie and Julia!

If Woody Allen’s films were almost always about or set in New York. Nora Ephron is his female version. Nora Ephron always – ALWAYS – captures the beauty of New York. The charm and romance that is in and around New York. She’s the main reason I loooooved New York. The reason I have always wanted to see New York.

Today, while watching Julie and Julia, I cannot help but guess the next words in the dialogues. I’ve been able to guess them several times. True to Ephron’s styles – despite the fact that this was being adapted from Julie Powell’s book of the same title.

The best part of it is that this time, it’s not only set in New York — but in Paris and New York! Two places I always dream of going to or living in.

The movie revolved around an aspiring writer who loves to cook… and is pretty good at it …  Julia Powell was first known as a blogger. Her  Julie/Julia Project became well known in the blogging world way back in 2002-2003. (Althought, I never got wind of it… maybe coz I started blogging 2003?)

Anyway. I fell in love with the movie right away, just as I did with You’ve Got Mail. few reasons why:

Set in: Paris & New York — my dream places

About: two women who love cooking and writing — things I absolutely love doing.. and just like them. I believe I’m pretty good at cooking. I get somewhat similar reactions when I cook for family and friends… writing? hmmm.. not so much.

Direction & Writing (screenplay): Nora Ephron. My movie heroine.

Lastly … there’s still the romance and comedy between a married couple. Things I may not have now, but still pray for and dream of every single day of my life.

I suddenly remembered cooking something new / experimenting with a new recipe and having my (then) husband as my taste-tester and I get the same enthusiasm and reaction and gusto as Julie’s & Julia’s husbands.

I still haven’t given hope that someday I will have that again. cooking for my husband everyday. Surprising him with something wonderful and getting that wondeful feeling of fulfillment… that I have satisfied a hungry husband (and child/children) with something delightful. Even if it was something as simple as fried chicken.

As usual. Nora Ephron has warmed my heart and charmed me into this dangerous feeling of wanting to fall in love again.

Hermit Crabs

Sharing something a friend posted on Facebook. More for me more than anyone else.

There are lots of hermit crabs in the tide pools near a house where my family used to live. They’re interesting little creatures. A hermit crab will find a shell that fits him, put it on, and live in it. After a while, he grows and the shell no longer fits, so the crab scurries along the sea floor and finds another shell to live in. He crawls out of his first shell and into the shell that fits his new needs. This scene repeats itself again and again throughout his life.

Let’s learn a lesson from the hermit crabs.

Just because a decision was right for you yesterday, doesn’t mean it meets your needs today. People grow. People change. And sometimes we have to let our safe little places go, in order to grow and change.
Are you holding on to something that doesn’t work anymore, just because it’s safe and what you know? It could be a behavior pattern- such as feeling victimized in all your relationships or wearing yourself out trying to control what you can’t.

Thank the lessons, people, and places of the past for all they’ve taught you. Thank your survival behaviors for helping you cope. There’s nothing wrong with feeling comfortable and safe.- having lifetime friends and a career that serves us well. But don’t get so comfortable that you can’t let go and move on when it’s time. If the walls are too confining and limiting and and you’re feeling stuck and bored, maybe it’s time to get out and find a new shell. There’s another shell waiting that will fit you better, but you can’t move into it until you leave this one behind.

God, show me the behaviors, things, people, and places that I’ve outgrown. Then give me the faith to let go.

Lost and want to be found

I am unemployed. Yet again. For about three weeks now.

Frustrated.

Bored.

Depressing to think how, for five straight years of solid employment and experience, I am not getting any opportunities/offers while others are getting offers left and right under the wrong pretence.

I thought after the initial shock of my husband’s cheating and my world crumbling down and after putting myself together and telling myself that I gotta stand back up real quick, things will start flowing again. Obviously I was wrong. My life has just become so out of sync.

When I found out about my husband’s cheating — my life stopped — but the world kept on going. I am trying so hard to catch up but I’m stuck. Stuck. I can’t seem to let go of the past. No matter how much I tell myself that I want to, no matter how hard I try to convince myself that I have indeed let go — it keeps coming back. It just keeps coming back.

My world started really falling apart, not when I initially found out about my husband’s cheating. Not when he told me that he wanted to leave. Not even when he actually packed his bags and left. No. It started when I moved out of the house we’ve been living in for four years since we got married and into this small unit in an apartment building a few houses away.

Things started to creep in — that he’s not coming back and that THIS is how our lives are going to be soon. It started creeping in but I refused to accept. I refused to look at the different color seeping into my world that will change my life and my son’s forever. I just refused to look it straight in the eye.
I was desperate to still “make it work.” How and why, is already beyond me. I’ve been hurt so much yet I was forcing things to “work.”

Ah. I think I know why. Because all my life I had everything planned or at least I had it in my head how things would go — even if it went wrong I had Plan B. All the time. Before I do something I already have the consequences in my head and the “what’s the worst that can happen?” scenario in my head. I have a plan for that too.

This time, I don’t have a Plan B. This wasn’t a scenario I had played in my head. It did not ever come up in my “what’s the worst that can happen?” list. Who would think that anyway? Why would any devoted wife and mother even put that in their heads?

Now I am here — stuck. Stuck with the thought that this shouldn’t be me. That, no — this can’t possibly have happened to me. I’m still stuck in the last scene where I still had a family of my own – a husband and a son.

I think I’m having a hard time finding a job or knowing the right path for me to start over again because I can’t let go.

I can frankly say now that NO I do not want my husband back. No. I do not. I have said this over and over to many people. I am utterly disgusted by what he did and to think about the possibility of getting back together again — with that same man who did all of those things to me and my son, is just out of the question.

I have prayed over and over for help, courage and grace to finally forgive him and his mistress for what they did. I have talked to so many people about how much I want to just forgive and move on. To let go and get on with my life with my son.

Yet for the life of me, I get stuck. I am stuck with bitterness, sulking and regret. All three alternating every other week or so. Something always manages to remind me of one of these.

Bitter at the fact that I quit the job I love and left the team I love and cared for the most. The people I grew up with and helped me become one of the best in that company. I left so that I can make my marriage work. So that I can focus on being a wife. I left because I didn’t want to jeopardize my job and that account because of my lack of focus and motivation. I owe it to my mentors to make sure that I always do the best I can, and my lack of focus just wasn’t what that team or that account deserved.

Sulking over the fact that they’re having the better part of the karma while I continue suffering. They got promoted, sent to the US, got a better job – while here I am unable to keep a job. Here I am accepting whatever comes because I need to save up and because I have a son I need to provide for. Sulking over the fact that I’m the one dealing with our son. Especially at his age of a thousand and one questions and me, stressing at a job I don’t even enjoy and doesn’t pay me enough – we just end up arguing. I just end up yelling. Yes, even hating the fact that I have to be the one to take care and “nourish” this young one when I myself can’t even stand up and be whole again.

Regret over so much spilled milk. The shoulda-woulda-coulda’s. Regretting situations I could’ve dealt with better. Like quitting my job and leaving the two of them STILL in the same office – together. Regret at believing all the lies when I should’ve taken more caution after his first and second lies… Regret that I held on that long only to still fall hard where it hurt much harder.

I am still stuck. My life still is at a stand still, and the world is moving so much faster. I have occupied myself with books, so much of them, for the last few months. I have been trying to live my life on pause. I read these books so I can get lost in another world. A world that doesn’t hurt. A world that doesn’t remind me of any pain. A world where I can be the hero, the princess, the damsel saved by that brave knight, the successful one, the one who had the last laugh, the one that lived happily ever after.

Just writing this all down, I think I have come to realize and understand that I haven’t let go. I haven’t forgiven. I haven’t moved on. Despite all that I may tell myself. No matter what I thought I have done – I just haven’t moved on nor forgiven and let go.

For months on end, I have been thinking and thinking about what I should be doing. I said I wanted to move out of the industry I’ve worked for, for the past six years since I graduated from college. Something in me has been telling me to move, go somewhere else. Something in me is telling me that my life doesn’t belong here. I see myself elsewhere, doing something else.

What’s keeping me? My son. I know he shouldn’t be a burden and no he isn’t. It’s just that the things I see myself doing won’t be something that will bring in enough for him and me. The life I see myself living is something some wives do while their husbands bring in their bread and butter.

I don’t have a husband. The bread and butter comes from me – sure my (ex) husband sends money – but that’s not even enough to pay for all the debt he’s incurred on his last few months that were, unfortunately under my name.

I want to move on. I want to let go. I want to forgive. I want to live a new life. I want to reconnect with my son whom I’ve put aside since I started my last job. I was too stressed when I get home that I go straight to bed and not even talk to my son anymore. Now, I just feel so disconnected from him.

I knew that separations (or divorce) such as these take a long time to heal. That people don’t just get back up on their feet in months’ time. Others take years. I hate to think that I don’t have the luxury to take “my time” to heal and get back on my feet again. I don’t know anymore who or what to put first. Me, my son, or thinking about how we’re going to survive the next few months?

first day

On Monday, I felt like a new kid in school while my son’s the parent waiting home for news on how the day went.

I leave early, wanting to leave a good impression on everyone that I come in before I’m “due” and try and mingle.

I got home late becuase training extended an hour. It was a little boring but I still was exhausted when I got home…

At the same time I felt wonderful that I’m doing something again!

When I got to my parents/sisters’ house to pick up my son, he was smiling from ear to ear as he approached our red pick-up truck. When the door was opened I couldn’t help myself and exclaimed an excited “Hi!! I missed you today!!”

If his smile could go further from ear-to-ear (although that would be freaky :p), he would’ve. He was blushing and just glad I missed him as he proclaimed “me too!”

Then he said “did you found a job mommY?” and mommy proudly said “Yes!”

On a high

a whiff of the smell of untouched pages..

the sight of uncreased spines..

the feel of hundreds of crisp pages fluttering and rolling through my fingertips.

i have painfully missed the bookstore.

for months I have kept to myself, wallowed a few months, hibernated a few, then the last few months I worked hard to get myself back on my feet again.

Now I’m about to embark on some new challenges in my life. A completely new page in my novel… maybe even a whole new novel in itself.

I indulged my yearning to read a new book three days ago, and I surprised myself at how I was able to finish it too quickly!

Today, I purposefully went to my favorite bookstore and browsed and browsed until I had five books tugged around one arm and the other still browsing at more books!

Finally I had to put down one book and just bought the four but vowed to get more when I get my first paycheck (after six-months of unemployment!).

I’m excited to read. I didn’t even bother looking at reviews and recommendations for good books. I browsed and browsed titles and took whatever catched my fancy.

Now, any recommendations from you?

Saving it for Special Ocassions

My mother and grandmother were the number one advocates of “save it for special ocassions”… We have a huge china cabinet (why do they call it china cabinet by the way?) of unused Noritake dinnerwares, serving bowls, complete set wonderfully arranged for display. Never have I seen them used when my grandmother was still alive. Most of them were shattered to pieces during earthquakes. Especially the strong one way back in ‘91, was it?

My mom followed suit. I was mostly baffled at why they would buy those fine china but never use them… when will they ever use it? when royalty comes to the house? 

Unfortunately, a part of it translated to me. I was always cautious about “saving for later” or “saving for special ocassions.”

In something as enjoyable as eating, I used to save the best part for last. When given a choice of books to read or movies to watch — I’d save the best for last. 

Lately, with how my life’s transpired, I realized how saving it for later or saving for special ocassions just wastes a lot of you energy and whatever it is you’ve been saving.

I remember having a nice blue cocktail dress that I bought because I loooved how it looked on me and how it made me look like a blue tinkerbell. I bought it and haven’t worn it. I was saving it for when my husband would take me out on a nice dinner or date after years of not going anywhere on a date…

It didn’t happen, and guess what? It’s not going to happen anymore. At least not with the husband I pictured that dress was going to be for.

My son had tons of crayons and art materials given to him over the years for birthdays and christmases and I’ve kept some of them – saving them for later. 

They’ve all been stacked and forgotten until I had to pack and move a few months ago. Now he’s using all of them and he’s enjoying it.

I was a sucker for “perfect timing”. I’d go out with my sisters or whoever and find myself craving for something, like ice cream and I’d tell myself, I’d wait for when everybody wants the same thing so then maybe we can all enjoy it.

Until of course, the moment has passed that when they want it all, I don’t want it anymore. Or the day will end and nobody actually wanted any ice cream so my craving won’t be satisfied after all.

I always postponed trip to fun places with Ziggy (and then husband) for special ocassions. birthdays, graduations, anniversaries. 

What’s the use now? we’re not the same “family” anymore. It’s me and my kid. Why wait for special ocassions? everyday is special for the two of us now. 

I find us going to different places and trying different things at a whim now (of course, considering finances too :p). I found out MV Doulos was docked at Manila until the next weekend so I already talked my sisters into coming with me next sunday. Ziggy will surely love being on an actual ship PLUS seeing those books too!

We also talked about going to the Science Discovery Center at MOA soon, all my sisters (plus one boyfriend) and my son. — our usual ensemble, entourage the past few months now.

I’ve been enjoying so much time with my sisters that when I do get some extra money to treat them somewhere, I grab the chance. Why save it for later when everything’s right here, right now.

Bedtime Stories…

I’ve always read books for and with Ziggy. We used to read him the Mr. Men series (yes those quirky little miss and mr. shirts that have become so famous..they originated from a book and a british TV series.. tsk tsk)… 

sorry, back to topic.. we used to read him the Mr. Men series.. then Dr. Seuss’ beginner’s books (i.e. Green Eggs and Ham)…I wanted to create a routine for him. A bonding time for him and us then.. Then yes, the marital problem came that I forgot about me and him and our bonding moments I swore I would stick to…

Tonight, I was able to experience something I used to only see in the movies… reading a bedtime story/book to him as he slowly dozed to sleep… Me having to stop in the middle of the book the moment I noticed he’s asleep.

Classic moments you just cannot miss…

Zinging zingers

Joe writes on his computer.  Brinkley on the floor next to him.

And cut between Joe and his computer screen.

     JOE (V.O.)
Do you ever feel you become the worst
version of yourself?  That a Pandora’s
Box of all the secret hateful parts –
your arrogance, your spite, your
condescension — has sprung open.
Someone provokes you, and instead of
just smiling and moving on, you zing
them.  Hello, it’s Mr. Nasty.  I’m sure
you have no idea what I’m talking about.
  

For the past week or two, this is how I’ve been feeling. I’m not sure why.

Maybe I’ve become so frustrated with my current situation — husband-less, jobless, loveless, bored and desperate withy life and its broken dreams and my husband’s broken promises…

Maybe I’m getting frustrated with my husband who’s gone off to hide under his mother’s (and sister’s) skirt and avoiding any and every chance for us to talk and finally get things to order while he still goes around with his mistress…

Maybe I’m just having PMS.

Or.. maybe it’s a combination of ALL.

I’d go with the last.

I’ve said hurtful words to my mother in law and argued with my sister in law out of spite. Out of frustration with my life.

I cannot, for the life of me, understand WHY I can’t get  a job for the past 6 months while my husband, who doesn’t have a degree and wouldn’t have gotten where he is now without my help got a job 2 weeks after he was fired!

I have a degree, a very commendable record at work, I resigned for personal reasons and wasn’t fired… yet for the past six months, I’ve applied and applied and sent dozens of resumes out, yet no one seems to have a need for me. 

but I know I allowed those zingers mainly because they’re speaking for their son/brother — yet again. Protecting their son/brother from his own wife who deserves to know what’s going on with his life and what he plans to do.

I am still his legal wife despite his cheating and womanizing yet his family doesn’t seem to recognize it. They even said that I have no more rights and he doesn’t have responsibilities to me anymore. He only has responsibilities to his son. that effin hurts.

I AM STILL MARRIED TO HIM. Nothing has changed legally and even in the church. We’re still married. he’s cheated on me (and still is on it) and he’s living with his mom now instead of with his wife and son. All the more does he have responsibilities to me and his son.

I hate when other people meddle. I hate when other people tell me or him what should be done when it should be me and him talking about this from the very start. that was the start of our problem, that was the reason we started drifting apart. Because he wouldn’t speak to me. Because he wouldn’t tell me what’s on his mind.

I know I was wrong in saying those words, but I also know I wasn’t wrong in demanding that I speak to my husband and not them. Yet no one respects that.

I’m yet again left in the dumps as if I was just a past time. That I was a mistake, now let’s move on with our lives.

I don’t want to be back with him. but something in me is still wanting to talk to him — I still haven’t heard any apologies. any explanation. anything that explain why the man I loved so dearly suddenly turned into a monster and treated me like a piece of shit. quite literally.

and damn it, i can’t move on while still being financially dependent on him.

Have faith, that’s what my friend still tells me. I’m trying to hold on to that faith. I’m afraid I’m slipping… i need a firmer grip.

baby, you’ve hurt me…

When I get to Warwick Avenue
Meet me by the entrance of the tube
We can talk things over little time
But promise me you wont stand by the light

When I get to Warwick Avenue
Please draw the past and be true
Don’t say we’re okay
Just because I’m here
You hurt me bad but I wont shed a tear

I’m leaving you for the last time baby
You think you’re loving,
But you don’t love me
And I’ve been confused
Outta my mind lately
You think you’re loving,
But I want to be free, baby
You’ve hurt me.

When I get to Warwick Avenue
We’ll spend an hour but no more than two
Our only chance to speak once more
I showed you answers, now here’s the door

When I get to Warwick Avenue
I’ll tell baby there we’re through

Cause I’m leaving you for the last time baby
You think you’re loving,
But you don’t love me
And I’ve been confused
An outta my mind lately
You think you’re loving,
But you don’t love me
I want to be free, baby
You’ve hurt me.

All the days spent together
I wish for better,
And I didn’t want the train to come
Now it’s departed, I’m broken hearted
Seems like we never started
All those days spent together
When I wished for better
And I didn’t want the train to come.
No, no.

You think you’re loving
But you don’t love me
I want to be free, baby
You’ve hurt me
You don’t love me
I want to be free
Baby you’ve hurt me

-Warwick Avenue, Duffy-