Dear Julian

I hate this.

When we started to get along so well, I thought, you’re something else. I thought you could be a great, fun friend. I started to get to know you better and started to enjoy our conversations a little too much. And then I started to really look forward to talking to you – every single day. Even your occasional drunk calling made me smile – a lot!

When we sort of “parted” ways, I thought we won’t be keeping in touch. Lo and behold – nearly 3 years later, we still occasionally keep in touch via Facebook or Text. I saw you from one girlfriend to another. We spoke about each other’s break ups and I really like the fact that you really were just open with how you feel and didn’t consider me a stranger.

Then I started to wonder what we are to each other. I said, “nope, he’s like the brother I never had…”. But I know I was lying to myself. I was lying to myself because I didn’t want to break anything we had. I like you too much to risk losing the friend I had in you.

I started rationalizing and justifying that you felt nothing romantic for me because when you had a girlfriend, I was almost non-existent to you. But come your break-up, we talk like we were just talking the other day. then I started thinking and feeling again.

Then – I start hating myself. For not risking what we currently have to know whether we could have had something more.

I think I started to like you more than just a friend. In fact, I think I’ve cared too much about you that I’m starting to fall

I wish I could tell you this – but I still can’t.

I’m so stupid when it comes to these things.

I tend to over analyze things and then greatly regret it afterwards. I hate being too safe.

I know you don’t know this blog/journal exists. but in the off-chance you read this, do me a favor and call me. tell me what we have just so I can stop and move on.

Even if it’s something that I may not want to hear – let me know because it’s a terrible feeling – not knowing.

What do I want?

I’ve been spending a lot of time with a new group of people at work and they’ve been mostly talking about their love lives. One just broke up with someone, another one hoping to finally find love, while the other one’s looking at the choices.

The past 2 years I’ve been working for the company and maybe past year I’ve spent with these people, they have learned that i’m:

a. Separated for 3 years;

b. A single Mom and;

c. Haven’t been with anyone else — not even a date since I was separated.

They’ve constantly wished me a love life. a happy, family life and s romantic relationship. A guy – finally.

With good intentions, they’ve been trying to find me someone to set me up with. All very keen to find me the “right guy.” They’ve been asking me my “type.”

I thought. Thought reaaalllyyy hard. Then, I realized, I had no “type.” I do not know what I want – at least in terms of how they look like.  All I know is that I know it when I’ve spoken to them or have known them through their own written and/or spoken words. Words have a lot of bearing to me.

He’s got to make sense. He’s got to show passion AND compassion. He’s got to be sincere and shouldn’t care for the shallow, earthly things (i.e. me not being hot enough :p or that I do not own something..) He must have been through something that’s genuinely hurt him and made him understand life better.

He’s got to know my son and get along well with my son. He’s got to share my values. I don’t want to try and change for someone. If I find myself trying to be somebody I’m usually not, then he’s not it. However, if I find myself doing new things and actually releasing more of myself – then he’s got to be something.

I kept telling them I just want John Mayer. ahhahaha, silly and I know, impossible — but I do mean that. Of course, I’m talking about the John Mayer in my head. The kind of John Mayer I’ve created in my head. I’m not personal friend of his to actually know how and who he is but I guess the best way to show who or what kind of man I want, I’ll explain or try to describe the John Mayer in my head.

1. He’s got Passion.  The way he makes music and plays it – that’s so much passion for me. When he talks about things he’s passionate about and you can just feel it is down right sexy to me.

2. Grounded. he’s been labeled a douche several times, I know – but he also knows he can’t control how media will portray him so he goes about it in a non-self destruct way (i know some people will disagree). He doesn’t take it lightly, but not too seriously either. He knows where and how to position himself in public without showing disrespect for anyone.

3. Great sense of Humor.  His humor is my kind of humor. wordy – but not too nerdy that you’d have to be the 5th character in the Big Bang Theory TV Series to get it.It’s subtle and nonsense to some, but when you get – it’s downright hilarious.

4. Witty. I love anyone who can just play with words – make it humorous, smart, romantic and even arrogant without hurting anyone.

5. He knows what he has and he knows his boundaries. He knows he’s famous and if he needed to, he can use it to his advantage, so long as he doesn’t overstep boundaries. He can use his charms to get away with things, but he doesn’t always use it because he knows what’s right and wrong.

6. He has values and morals. again, he knows what’s right and wrong. nuf said.

lastly…

7. He knows FAMILY.

Ah, yes. I recognize this is the picture of a PERFECT man… and if that’s the John Mayer in my head (add the real john mayer face, the real john mayer fame…. hmmm!) then everybody will want to be or meet THIS John Mayer.

But there you go – in no particular order or priority, these are what I’m looking for in a guy that i want to spend my lifetime with. Him and the rest of his wonderful family.

Thank you, John Mayer

I’m awfully stressed at work, I’m on the brink of crying…

I’m cramped with so much questions and emails to answer, my to-do list hasn’t gone any shorter throughout the course of the week. In fact, it might have even gone longer.

After the endless meetings from 730 AM until 430pm, i finally found a break and chanced upon this.

Yes, I sound like a silly little girl – but John does my heart good. especially the little moments like these. He makes me smile as if we know each other and I’m watching clips of someone I know personally.

I know it’s a one in a million chance for John Mayer to actually read my blog – but for what it’s worth. thank you for doing what you do to my heart and for making me smile by simply being you.

You take away some of the pain and some of the heartache. not completely – but it helps.

Thanks. you have NO idea.

riddled with stars

There’s something about a clear night sky that’s riddled with stars you don’t normally see in the city. something nostalgic. Something that calms you… That the adult in you starts to get anxious.

Anxious because you know that this sight is but fleeting. That this calm will not forever stay in your heart… Your heart that’s smiling yet crying in pain and longing.

Staring at the night sky in the few occasions that the brood is in this sort of summer house in the province with fewer lights on and not as rowdy as we would normally be. Few drinks in and we were just telling stories and kinda had some glowsticks to play with – the night sky was a welcome sight.

It made me wish that I could just lie down on the grass and stare at it forever. Made me wish I had the luxury of time and even money to do so. Alas, I do not. Not the time, not the money to stay there and not go drive back home and go to work the following day…

I had to just stare, look and I guess take it all in for what it is.. immensely beautiful and utterly overwhelming. A simple reminder that something is absolutely greater than my heartaches, my pain and my loneliness.

if only it were that easy…

not enough

Ever had the feeling when you know you’ve done everything you can and given it your best yet it still isn’t enough?

Coldplay sang it best:
When you try your best but you don’t succeed. When you get what you want and not what you need. When you feel so tired but you can’t sleep. Stuck in reverse.

I know I’ve done my best – hell, even more than what was required… But there are so much more that are beyond my control. I feel helpless. I’m no longer in-control of things. And that’s a big hit for me because I hate not having control of things I am responsible for.

I’m throwing my hands to the air in surrender. I’m up to my wits. I quit.

I’ve never quit before. This one seems right though.

Now, I need a hug and a shoulder to cry on. That would really be nice right now.

Dear Life

Hi.

I am assuming you know me since you’ve decided to run over me lately.

I just want to say… I’m tired. really. So… is it too much to ask for you to give me a break and allow me to gather some sense back into my existence and run YOU without the risk of having you running me over?

You’ve already gotten the best of me – not sure what else you need.

-_-

 

 

Happy Birthday, John

About 10 years ago, my friend and I discovered one a great album from an unknown artist more or less our age. we were hmm.. 20 then, I think and he’d be about 24 or so.

His words were just like a fireplace in winter – warm and cozy. it melts you and makes you go hmmm.. His guitar playing, like nothing we’ve heard of .  It always feels like he’s just right beside you, wooing you until your knees were soft and weak and your heart’s beating like a drum.

From then on – I was a fan. He wasn’t so cute. Hah! he actually looked a little dorky – but his music was enough to make up for that.

Few years later, I see clips about him on TV. nothing much. I see he’s been labeled a douchebag – whether or not it’s true, I can’t really say. I won’t judge.

Then I started seeing / following him on Twitter, his blog on tumblr and his blog from his official site.

This guy’s got sense. He’s the kind of guy you actually want to spend an afternoon with, just talking – about ANYTHING and he may or may not be right, but he’s mentally and intellectually stimulating. He makes you think, he makes you wonder, he makes you smile. At least he does that to me when I read his blogs.

Sometimes he makes sense. sometimes he writes as if he’s the only one meant to understand what he just wrote. Sometimes he leaves you with something to think about. Sometimes he makes ME fall in love – with him. As if listening to his music wasn’t enough.

He’s a little crazy – I saw some crazy pictures (remember that umm thong/bikini — what was that?!). some videos – after some serious sports announcements, he decided to do something very similar. He knows how to have fun without having to be such a douche – despite all reports and claims that he is.

I actually don’t think he’s a douche. I think he’s a very sensible and fun and true person. he doesn’t hide who he is. He knows his place in society and he knows when or when NOT to use his status to his advantage. I think he’s grounded enough to know what’s right and what’s wrong. and grounded enough to know that he has to STAY grounded if he wants to continually succeed.

sure he’s said words that some people though offensive enough to warrant about a week or a month’s worth of tabloid news – but to most people, it’s forgivable – hell! even forgettable.

Then again – who cares what I think. All I wanted to write was …

Happy Birthday, Mr. John Clayton Mayer. Damn glad you came into this world and decided to pick that guitar instead of some clarinet. Glad to know you’re still able to teach and make good music.

I wish you well – your health, especially. I wish you more years and more wonderful music (to be made). I wish you leave (not soon!!!) as a legend.

I doubt you’ll get to read this but what the heck. It’s the thought that really counts.

Looking forward to Born and Raised – I’ll wait for it whenever and wait for your return to the Philippines (or maybe i’ll fly to the nearest concert/tour? haha!)

You’re a legend to a lot of your fans. you are loved, you are blessed.

you have a big heart , but you don’t ever flaunt it. you know what you’ve been given and know it’s your duty to use it to help and bless other people. Continue what you’re doing.

Lots of love and respect, John.

Yours,

Hazel

 

 

 

overly dramatic

It’s 6pm, I’m stuck in the office because traffic management forbids my car’s license plate until 7pm on these days.

My mp3s are on shuffle.

A song comes in. It doesn’t have anything to do with you, yet I suddenly missed you.

Those times when a whiff of a scent, a note or two, a sight/look, or a tiny touch – hell maybe a bit of taste that reminds you of someone and your heart skips a beat and your mind goes into an overly dramatic mode.

Yep. I just had that… what’s weird is that I haven’t thought of you in such a long time.

Maybe it isn’t even you that I am missing. Just the thought of thinking about you? hah! how stupid and silly that sounds.

Truthfully though – my mind went to overdrive remembering our silly, nonesense conversations that made so much fucking sense. We had the exact same wavelength, but different maturity levels. Same heart and morals, but in different places with different goals in life.

It wasn’t the right time. It was the WORST time.

You know what? I still have what-ifs. I still wonder if or when the time comes .. if the right time comes – will we bump into each other again? When the timing’s right? when our life goals have finally met? when our levels of maturity evens out?

I wonder. I still do – because I still don’t know why – whenever I try to forget and remove you from my life – you suddenly surface in a way that I just can’t ignore. It gets me over-thinking that maybe, just maybe – there’s a reason we met couple of years ago. There’s a reason we connected and shared so much of ourselves to each other.

Matter of time? maybe. then again, maybe I’m just being overly dramatic.

It’s September in T-minus 1Hour

I cannot believe it’s AGAIN almost time for Christmas.

It’s a bittersweet feeling. I’m sort of excited to hear those beautiful and nostalgic Christmas songs that reminded me of my happy childhood. At the same time, I’m dreading that season when you’re somehow forced to be nice to people you don’t really want to be nice to. I’m sure we’ll have to be forced to some Family gatherings that I know I’d rather skip because I really don’t believe people around me are honest anymore.

 

I’m dreading Christmas this year because it’s sadder than the last ones. My family’s still apart – 3 in Australia and 4 of us here back in Manila. My dad. I’m beginning to miss my dad. We never were close like I wish we were. But I miss my dad. He’s still my dad. He still was the my rock. He was my indication that things are going to be alright.

I just saw his picture today when my sister took them out for Dinner for my Mom’s birthday and wow. My heart sank. I miss my dad.

It’s September in an hour. That means things are going to go by soooo friggin fast again and well – soon I’ll be ACK! 30! then I’ll be thinking of things I want to change. Starting to think about things I said would happen to me this year and well, not much did.

I don’t understand why we get sucked into this void where all the things we thought and said we would do just goes into some vortex. then we’re stuck trying to catch ourselves, our thoughts, our dreams. and the cycle never stops.

Don’t swallow me up 2011. I’m not yet ready to move on to another year. I need this year to be mine. I have four months left to do that. These four months are usually the fastest, don’t let go of me. don’t let me slip. don’t allow me to get sucked into nothingness.

Make 2011 rock for me. please.

Where I’m at.

Yesterday, I nearly broke down at work. I never get affected with work. OK, fine. Never may be too strong a word, but it is true. I’ve always been known at work as the cool, calm and collected lady boss. The colleague to run to when everybody else seems to be falling apart or is just getting too emotional. I always was proud that I didn’t let my emotions take control of me at work. I have Joe, to thank for. My “favorite” boss, a mentor and now close friend. I digress.

I left work early – thinking, that I actually need a break. even just a quick one. I was supposed to take the long weekend together with the rest of the country, but I mistakenly scheduled meetings and interviews and committed to the client that I will be there to support our critical program. So there I was, getting pissed with people not showing up for the meetings, people who keep messing things up and people who committed things on our behalf without our knowledge. Commitments we now have to deliver to – despite our lack of knowledge.

I told myself that I was going home early – go through Ziggy’s notebooks and finish homeworks and workbooks we’ve put off until the last day of the long weekend to do. We’d look for a movie to watch and then curl up on the mattress, find some junk food to eat and just relax – end his long weekend with some cozy, quality time with mom. WRONG.

I got home, without knowing that I am slowly building up a temper that I didn’t know or see coming. I got home with a very negative disposition in me despite all that very nice and warm thought in my head about what we were going to do.

I ended up yelling at my son, I ended up buried on my laptop and my cell phone trying to distract myself and talking to my boss about my frustration all at the same time.

I was trying to distract myself? from what? I wasn’t distracted. If anything, opening up that laptop was my number 1 distraction since I got home. Then my boss asking if we got answers to our questions and, of course it reminded me of how annoyed and frustrated I am at work – then it all came spiraling down.

Soon, I was restless, trying to make sense of what’s happening to me, what I’m doing and what I actually want or NEED to do. Soon, I was going back to the fact that hey – if I wasn’t a single working mom, maybe I wouldn’t be breaking down in the middle of an ordinary day. I started going back to the resentments. I wondered.

I wondered if the ex husband was having days as bad as this. Days that seemed so annoyingly ordinary – days that you even started with a quick prayer – but ended up so bad it eats you up and snatches your sleep away. I wondered if he ever felt like he was absolutely alone. Then I remembered, ah, he has his girlfriend. How can he feel anything remotely similar to what I’m feeling when everything just seems to be going wrong and YET, you have to put up that strong, “it’s OK” face so your son will not worry? He has someone to help him or assist him. PLUS – he doesn’t really have any child to protect and bring-up.

Then, all the more do I feel the resentment. Here I am, yes, I have gotten over the “separation and betrayal” of the ex. No point in lingering there. What gets me, what really, really gets me … is the fact that I will have to keep this up and get better at it – all by myself, and do things the best that I can. Knowing myself, the best that I can will have to be comparable or even better than other people – I have the constant need to sort of feel better about myself – to be better than the rest. I have had this need since I was left alone with my son.

When my family left for Australia – almost the same time as when my husband completely disappeared in our lives and well, the same time I was trying to re-build my career. I was able to balance work and ziggy. I thought, hey – it’s one child, and a job and that’s pretty much it. Other single moms have more than one child to care for and they’re able to do it quite well.

Then I start questioning if it’s even possible. That maybe those moms who look sooooo good at being single moms to multiple children are having some very very difficult time when at home or when they’re alone. OR maybe, they have a lot of money that will help alleviate the physical and mental stress because they can afford do go on vacations, to not work as hard as I do, or to hire help.

Where am I going here? I don’t know. I’m trying to figuring out where i’m at. I have so many dreams and plans that I don’t know where to start.

I know that I want to finally move out of this house as this house has tremendously stressed me out already. I miss my parents. I miss my mom’s cooking, my dad’s singing and retro/classic musicfests during weekends. I miss my sister – i really missed her and wished we could spend more time together – all 4 of us, now that we’re older. I’ve really grown to love them more now. I miss having a happy, noisy house. A brighter house. one that sort of smiles at the people living in it and the guests coming to it.

I know I have plans to travel, to buy this and that, to help more charities and to finally marry again. but those would definitely go after I’ve found and built that home for me and my family.

Sometimes — i cry alone in bed – or in the bathroom. I spent a good hour in the bathroom last night just crying. with my heart aching for someone to talk to, someone to affirm me, someone to tell me that EVERYTHING WILL BE ALRIGHT. I cry in bed until I fall asleep. that happened last night, and to be honest – that’s part of the reason I didn’t go to work today. I feel so — alone. I guess. I’ve said this one too many times, I’m afraid I’m sounding like a whiny little girl. But I do. I feel alone. I have friends – but they have their own priorities now. we don’t get to talk as much or just like before. It saddens me that the people I considered my bestfriend are either too far away to just go to and drag away from their work or home. OR they’re too busy to talk. It hurts me a lot when I try and think – when I ask myself if I was a good friend. I know I was. I know I was one of those who would go out of their way to help a friend, to be with a friend. I have done that countless times and now, when I’m the one in need – i have no one anymore.

 

I don’t understand. I pray. everyday, every night. I go to church and make sure that I read passages from the bible when I wake up. I talk to HIM in times like these and cry my heart out to HIM. but I still don’t understand… I have put my faith in HIM because HE has never failed me. but there are still days and nights, such as the past few days when I just cannot understand.

Where I’m at? still lost.